Lose your temper and you lose control.
In my anger management classes, I always reserve a session to talk about anger as a power/control issue. In one way or another when we allow our anger to get “out of control” we are attempting to take control of the situation or person. On the contrary, we are the ones losing control, which in turn makes us feel even more helpless. What a vicious cycle, huh?
Sometimes, when we get angry we broadcast our own weakness of helplesness. When we vent our anger, we are effectively shouting, “I’m scared! I’m frustrated! I’m hurt!,” which is another way of saying “I feel powerless and want to take control.” After all, we are only as big as the things that make us angry.
Some examples of frustration can be getting angry when someone takes too long at the ATM machine, cuts you off in traffic, bumps into you on the sidewalk, or looks at you the wrong way in a public place. However, like it or not, people will always do these things. We have no control over the behavior of others. To become angry because people don’t behave as we would like is a common reaction, yet a reaction that can be altered and as adults we need to accept the world as it is. When people act a certain way, they are not being mean, they are just being people. When we understand this, we can remain calm and peaceful.
When others do not follow our wishes or seemingly disrespect us, we become angry because of fear. We are afraid that we can no longer control them or the situation, however we were never intended to control others. Our desire for control is not wrong, it is just misdirected. It is ourselves that we need to control. When we give up our wish to control others and our environment, we will find that not only do we have little to be angry about, but we also have more self control.
People can say and do stupid things and even hurt us. When they do, the temptation is to get angry. But we don’t have to. We can forgive them. It is not so hard to forgive others when you remember we are all the same. Nobody is perfect. We all have faults. How can we get angry with people for behaving like people? Besides, every time you give someone a piece of your mind, you make your head a little emptier. You don’t want to do that, do you? Despite good reasons for not getting angry, it’s a difficult habit to quit. That’s because it’s often more comfortable to feel angry than to feel the underlying fear, frustration, or pain.
If you find yourself struggling with this, don’t hesitate to attend some anger management sessions. I am certain you will learn something.
April Tominelli is an anger management instructor in Yorba Linda California. She works and writes for Daybreak Counseling Service an anger management consulting center in Los Angeles and Orange County California. For more information please visit www.daybreakservices.com or call 310-995-1202
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