Handling vs. Solving – Becoming More Patient With Our Problems.
Recently in my anger management class, a discussion developed about the need to solve every problem immediately. This is probably a common need for many of us who have issues with control or lack the ability to let things go. One way I try to help my students understand that not all problems can be solved in the moment they expect is by using the phrase “handling versus solving.”
Whenever we get caught in a situation where we are stuck at a problem that just doesn’t seem to have a solution in that moment or at all, ask yourself how you can handle it versus how you can solve it. When we think of solving a problem we think of getting rid of it and the feelings that come with it. Sometimes this isn’t possible but there are other options. Think of everyday examples of how we do this. For example, if I got into a fight with my husband in the morning before we both left to work. You can imagine we’d spend the rest of the day feeling horrible about how we didn’t solve the issues we argued about. However, I can’t do anything about the issue anymore because I need to be focused at work. Continuing my attempts to solve the problem might lead to yelling sessions on the phone throughout the day, angry texts, and blank staring at the wall as I stew in how we argued and how we are just not seeing eye-to-eye. Instead, if I ask myself how I can handle this right now to the best of my ability to get through my day, I might come up with a better option. What if instead, I got to work, sat down, and wrote out an email to my husband letting him know that although we still needed to continue our discussion at home, I do love him and would like both of us to get through our days without feeling guilty or overwhelmed by how we left things. I ask that we both try not to talk until we find ourselves unoccupied and ready to revisit the issue when we both are available and free of distractions. By this simple action, I have handled the problem and am now able to contain my feelings about it to get through my day a bit more effectively. This didn’t necessarily solve anything. But it was the best I could at this time.
We do this many times without knowing. The key is using the right words to give ourselves a break. If we are constantly telling ourselves we have to fix everything right away, we tend to be paralyzed to do anything else. By instead asking how we can best handle this right now, we can think more flexibly and feel a weight lifted when we remember that maybe this one just needs more time.
Diana Gutierrez, MFT Intern
Daybreak Counseling Service
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