My anger is pushing my family away. How can I change my self to keep my family?They mean the world to me.

Answer:

Invest! If you want to save your marriage and your family you have to invest. During the great recession of 2008 many companies were faced with a choice to either throw in the towel, file for bankruptcy our reinvent themselves. They could no longer afford to carry the financial burden of hundreds of employees, so lay-offs began and the companies that survived began to invest in their infrastructure, they bought cost saving machinery, they revised their business plans, they hired consultants and emerged even stronger than they were before.

We so often invest in our education by spending thousands of dollars at instututions of higher education. We invest in our careers by spending hours working on a job but when we are asked to come up with a couple of hundred dollars and a couple of hours a week to save a relationship we say, “I don’t have that kind of time or the money.” I think its a matter of priority. Find an anger management class and/ or a marriage counselor near you. Invest in you and your family. You will find the rewards will not only benefit you but your children and grandchildren to come.

Shannon Munford
Daybreak Counseling Service
http://daybreakservices.com
855-662-6437

Your thoughts have everything to do with your anger and your thoughts are going to help you understand the dynamics of your anger. When you encounter an episode or escalate in response to a situation or person, take time to figure out what is causing the escalation by asking yourself a series of questions. What is triggering me? Why am I really getting angry? Am I trying to control an uncontrollable situation/person? What am I really feeling? Reflect on the situation, explore other feelings that are coming to the surface and become aware of your thought process as well as physical reactions. When we start becoming more aware of what escalates us, we can use this to not only plan ahead, but to also learn how to cope more adaptively in the future. For example, if you find that high stress causes your anger to escalate, find other ways to lower your stress. If you learn that feelings of rejection trigger your anger, talk about your feelings with someone through assertive communication. Either way, when you become aware of the dynamics of your anger, it makes it that much easier to manage it. Every time you experience an angry episode you should reflect on it and gain more insight into yourself.

I have had several students in my anger management class tell me their anger issues have subsided by just coming to classes and admitting (beginning of awareness) their anger has caused problems. When they develop this self awareness into their anger, they tend to find themselves no longer having major anger problems. Remember, anger management is not about getting rid of your anger, but being able to manage it so it is no longer a problem in your life. Work to gain insight into yourself and develop that self awareness. When you do this, it makes using other anger management tools much easier.

Daybreak Counseling Service is an provider of anger management classes and an publisher of anger management techniques shared through out the nation. Its owner Shannon Munford has appeared on several national television shows speaking on the subject of anger and anger management. He is a sought out speaker and anger management expert. For more information on speaking engagements or private executive coaching pleas call 855-662-6437 or visit http://daybreakservices.com

Hi Noemi:

You do not need medical insurance to take an anger management class. In fact many anger management course do not take insurance. Anger Management is considered education rather psychotherapy so it not covered by most insurance plans.

Shannon Munford
Daybreak Counseling Service
855-662-6437

www.daybreakservices.com

Ask Shannon: Mr. Munford,
Have you considered expanding your Anger Counseling Services outside of California, such as starting a branch here in Rochester New York?

Answer: Of course we have made plans to expand to New York. We are just waiting for the right time.

No more Blaming!

Our bad behavior is just that—OUR bad behavior. It truly does not matter what other people do. If we make a choice to react poorly then we have to take blame for it. We do not have the right to use the excuse that “they made me….” This is just a fact. There is no debating that we make our own choices and we ultimately are in control of our behavior.

The damage is done!

When I think about people apologizing, I am continually reminded that the damage from the bad behavior has already been done. Recently in the news there was a report about a teacher that had her children crumble a piece of paper as hard as each student could. Afterwards, she instructed the students to un-crumble the paper to the best of their ability and “to apologize to the paper.” After her students un-crumbled and tried to flatten, the lessen was clear—No matter what you do, the damage is still there!

At some point of our lives it will be helpful and necessary to take responsibility for all of our actions. We have to know that we do not get to be jerks; then apologize and everything will be perfect; this is not reality! The people on the reality shows are paid to be friends and/or enemies. This is not the real world. When we do not think about all the consequences before we respond we could potentially enter into a place where we have hurt the people around us.

Shannon Munford the owner of Daybreak Counseling Service knows a little about reality shows. He has appeared on MTV Real World Hollywood, Keeping up with the Kardashians, The Dr. Phil Show and more. If anger has become a real problem in your relationships or work feel free to call us at 855-662-6437 or visit http://daybreakservices.com

Bill came in voluntarily because he didn’t want his “hostile” relationship with his wife to have a negative effect on his young daughter. He was very upset with himself and his marriage. He eventually acknowledged his angry behavior and was willing to change, both necessary to positive growth.

Bill, like many clients, responded to the feeling of anger just like his father had. He yelled and threw things, which ultimately frightened both his wife and daughter. During his first classes, he became very aware of his antagonistic shouting and, over time, was able to express himself in a non-threatening way.

He started to see real progress in his home-life.  He felt good about himself and his family experienced more harmony and less resentment.

Three of the eight behavior changing “tools” we teach made the biggest difference in Bill’s thoughts and actions when he got angry.  He developed “empathy” towards his wife and could appreciate her side of their conflicts. His “expectations” became more realistic.  He realized that his wife had her own opinions and thoughts. He stopped expecting her to feel the same as he did in situations. He also learned what his “triggers” were and to lower his “stress” level through exercise and meditation.

Bill is an impressive example of the results of anger management met with humility and a real desire to change.

All of his relationships have improved and he attributes this to his sincere involvement at Daybreak Counseling Services. As an anger management expert, this was very rewarding to me.

Daybreak Counseling Services is located in Santa Monica, California. We serve Los Angeles and surrounding cities. For more information about our anger management courses please visit www.daybreakservices.com or call 855-662-6437

One of the ways couples can begin learning to communicate differently is by learning to talk about their anger to each other. We don’t talk to each other enough during times we are willing to listen.

Just this weekend, we had a great discussion about getting to know your anger and talking about it with your partner. This seems like an impossible task because most of us assume these types of conversations will lead to fights and bring up old and hidden feelings. But, if you don’t talk, then fights happen more often, are more intense, and end up being the only way you attempt to solve problems and learn about one another. You shouldn’t wait until your next fight to learn about you or your partner’s anger.

Sitting down when you and your partner are doing well and are not fighting is the best time to discuss issues, concerns, needs, and wants. It might seem like a dangerous thing to try because these discussions can be uncomfortable, but during these calm times are when people are more willing to listen. In the middle of a fight I’m not going to hear it when you try to talk to me about my bad habits. But, I may be willing to listen over a cup of coffee and a walk on good day. I’m not suggesting this is something easy to do, especially for those of us who are used to avoiding uncomfortable conversations in order to avoid fighting. But you can start slow and practice. Learning to communicate better takes practice like anything else we want to get good at.

You’d be surprised how much you’ll learn about each other by asking questions and being open to an honest answer. Every once in a while I ask my spouse, “What do I do that makes you really mad?” “What can I do instead so I don’t upset you?” “What do you notice about me when I start to get mad?” “What do I do and say that lets you know I’m getting mad?”

All of these are great questions to get you going on a discussion that is meant to help you understand your partner’s triggers, needs, and wants as well as create a safe space for you to express yours. By following a few rules you can start slow and get a dialogue going during times that your partner may not be so defensive. Remember, you need to use “I” statements and refrain from attacking or blaming. The key is to stay open and keep in mind the intention is to be curious, talk, and grow closer. In my anger management classes I use a strange example of needing to prepare for battle. Those in the military don’t just go into battle hoping for the best. They practice, develop strategies, and get to know their opponent. In this case, you want to get to know your partner and develop new strategies for the fights that are inevitably going to happen. You’ll feel more confident and safe going into battle because you’ve learned the limits you shouldn’t cross.

As I mentioned earlier, these conversations may be uncomfortable and may ignite unwelcomed feelings. Because of this, I suggest starting slow. If 5 minutes is all you can handle before it seems a fight is about to ignite, then stop there for now and try again later. Agree to this beforehand and give each other a cue so the other person knows it’s time to stop. A 5 minute healthy discussion is better than no discussion at all. For more tips on how to get started on better communication, join one of our anger management groups where topics like these are one of many that we love to discuss.

By Shannon Munford

www.daybreakservices.com

twitter.com/angryinla

855-662-6437

I had the opportunity for the second time in a few years to speak to a teen moms group in Compton, California. We talked about dealing with conflict, communication and anger management. It takes a great deal of resolve to be a young mother and the job does not come without challenges. I was most impressed by there willingness to swallow their pride and ask for help. These mothers are surrounded by a group of local women who set aside there on responsibilities to meet weekly to impart experience into young these young families. I want to especially thank Erin Batstone who invited me to speak. Erin made her way to Compton from the Mid West and South Orange County and has embedded herself as a fixture in a community in which she is indeed a minority. Erin does not only stand out because of her skin color but because of the passion and love she spreads throughout Compton. She along with my good friends Mike Herman and Tonya Herman are a few of the urban missionaries who have dedicated their lives to serving urban youth and Daybreak Counseling Service is honored to stand along side them.

Shannon Munford MS

Daybreak Counseling Service

www.daybreakservices.com

www.twitter.com/angryinla

855-662-6437

Just to give some background, this was a smart and bold twenty-something girl who came in a few weeks ago with a feisty attitude and very little regard for anyone who told her anything against her own beliefs. No one told her what to do and no one ever made her feel bad. She remained mostly quiet for a few sessions and at times rolled her eyes during discussions. That changed to complaining about everyone else in her life and blaming her upbringing for teaching her how to be “hard.” After a few weeks, she started to turn to herself and began asking some valuable questions. That’s when things got good for her. I could see it. I saw it in her eyes, her attitude, and body language. She became less guarded and relaxed in class. She was ready.

Last Tuesday evening, as I let her continue venting, she slowly moved herself into a direction of challenging her own thoughts and, yes, even expressing some regret for her own actions. She didn’t notice this in herself. Once she finished her outburst, the room became quiet and everyone nervously giggled at her very apparent anger. I looked straight at her and said, “Great job.” I asked if anyone in class remembered what she was like a few weeks ago and if they could point out what was different about her. After some thought, her own peers were able to point out a few very important pieces of progress. One, she was there. In class and not kicking anyone’s “ass.” Two, she was talking much differently than she had been when she first walked in. Sure, she was still getting angry. But, her anger looked much different. She was starting to think about her anger. Question it.  Challenge it. I reflected back her own statements and reminded her that a few weeks ago she would have never chosen to come to class instead of fight. She would have never admitted to feeling “a little bit bad” about what she wanted to do to this person. She would have never looked beyond the moment and evaluated the consequences of her behavior.

So yes, she is still very angry and making many mistakes. But now she is willing to look at herself and what she is responsible for. She is thinking and challenging her thoughts and choices. This is only the beginning for this very tough young lady and she still has a long way to go. But this moment was a great start.

By Shannon Munford

Daybreak Counseling Service a leader in the field of anger management education. Daybreak offers anger management groups in Pasadena, California serving Los Angeles and the San Gabriel Valley. To join one of our groups visit www.daybreakservices.com or call 855-662-6437