A random stranger took the time to write such a horrible note that was not helpful in any way! In Anger Management class we had a discussion about what this note was about and what the appropriate reaction is.  As discussed so many times before, each person is walking through the world with a history, a past.  We all have things in our past, and maybe in our present, that causes reactions to life’s events.  We all have stressors that we carry around.

In Class we often discuss that other people’s bad behavior usually has nothing to do with us.  It usually is just an expression of the other’s stress level and we have just become the target. If we can stay focused on that fact, then other’s behavior does not need to affect us.  If we can truly understand that the person that wrote the note, while maybe annoyed at the crookedly parked car, probably has other stuff going on causing him to call a complete stranger an “idiot.”  This behavior is obviously not personal and needs not to affect us to the point that we get upset.  Again, this is a conversation that happens often in class, let other people’s bad behavior stay with them!  Do not let it in and cause you bad reaction!!

Robin Aulgur MS is an anger management instructor at Daybreak Counseling Service in Gardena, California. For more information about our anger management programs please visit daybreakservices.com or call 855-662-6437.

Shouda, woulda, coulda – Do you dwell on situations and obsess over what should have been done? Ask yourself what good this brings you if something has already been done and you can no longer change it. I always recommend taking the word should out of our vocabulary as much as possible.

Life doesn’t go my way – Do you often feel that life isn’t fair to you? Do you find yourself making statements like “life sucks” or predicting that you “won’t get that job” because “nothing good ever happens” to you. This type of thinking will really stunt any motivation. Remember you are in control of a lot in your life. “Life” does not harm you intentionally. Watch out for absolutes such as always, nothing, or never.

The negative psychic – Do you find yourself presuming you know what others are thinking or what they are going to do? Most of the time, these presumptions are wrong. Statements such as “I know she doesn’t like me,”  “things will never change,” or “I already know what he’s going to say” are examples.

All-or-Nothing  (black and white) –  Do you have difficulty seeing the gray area? For example, if one small thing goes wrong, does it ruin your day? If there is one mistake on the project you turned in, is it a total failure? Do you tend to believe that there is always a right and wrong? This type of thinking prevents us from stepping on middle ground.

Catastrophizing – Are you always imagining the worst case scenario? If you fail a test does that mean that you will fail the class? Do you take fairly neutral situations and put a negative spin on them. Is everything the end of the world for you? When we catastrophize we jump ten steps ahead to a negative place.

Hopefully you can look through these and see that there is some room for improvement in the way you think. A few changes in our thinking can create a great deal of change in our mood and behavior.  Many students are surprised and a little embarrassed at how often they fall into these patterns. That can be a great first step to learning how to manage your anger.

By: Diana Gutierrez MS

Diana Gutierrez MS is an anger management instructor with Daybreak Counseling Service located in Pasadena, California. Daybreak Counseling Service is a nationally recognized anger management education center. We provide anger management classes for couples struggling with communication issues and anger. We are also a court accepted provider for those ordered by the family and criminal courts. For more information call 855-662-6437 or visit daybreakservices.com

We know that it takes two to tangle.

Daybreak Counseling Service is offering a pre-summer special in the month of May. If your are currently enrolled in one of our anger management classes or if you purchase a new enrollment at full price your significant other’s class fee will be at half the price.

All classes are taught by Master’s Level Professionals. Our classes are held in the city of Gardena and Pasadena. For more information please visit www.daybreakserices.com or call 855-662-6437.

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To contact Daybreak Counseling Service please visit. www.daybreakservices.com or call 310-995-1202

The title of this article is a quote from one of my students in anger management class.  The quote conveys two important points: (1) Anger is usually an emotion that occurs within the context of a relationship or an interaction with another person, and (2) you may, unfortunately, be the only person in that relationship who is actually sitting in the anger management class.

So what can you do?  It is true that many students in anger management classes are not there because they choose to be.  Sometimes they have been ordered by the court or an attorney, or sometimes their wife, girlfriend or other family members have “ordered” them to attend.

My first suggestion is that you keep an open mind when you come to class.  Whether or not you “chose” to attend is irrelevant once you are there.  And you can choose to pay attention, think about what is presented and how it may apply to you.   Just this simple act can be the beginning of accepting what you cannot control or change and instead focusing on what you can do.  Choosing a positive, productive attitude is a great anger management skill.

Another suggestion is that you talk to the person who “ordered” you to anger management class about what you are learning.  This applies more to the situations where a loved one has asked you to attend.  As I already said, anger usually occurs in the context of a relationship—but there is usually one person whose anger becomes aggressive or who is labeled “the angry one.”  It is most likely that there are unhealthy patterns of communication in both partners that contribute to escalating emotions and anger.

Rather than blaming (“She is the one who should be here to learn to stop pushing my buttons!”), learn what you can do and ask her for help on trying the new skills you are learning.  Explain to her, for example, what “taking a time out” means, and what the “rules” are in order for it to be effective.  Ask if she will work with you to try it out next time you have an argument.  This will bring you closer and show her that you are trying.

The good news is, research has shown that even just one partner attending classes or therapy can positively impact the relationship as a whole.  But it definitely takes an open mind and a willingness of both partners to make and accept new, positive behavior choices.

Daybreak Counseling Service, Orange California

daybreakservices.com

855-662-6437

Have you heard the saying “there are always two sides of a story”? The truth of the matter is that there is often two interpretations…and at times maybe more.  Each person that is a part of an event or situation walks away with their own interpretation of what happened.  When we take in the world, we do so using our personal past as a way of filtering in new information.  While we believe that our view is correct, each other member of the same event believes their view is correct also.

It is a great skill to learn that at times people see things differently than you do.  When you can start to understand this idea then you become much less angry with people that are not doing what you think is the proper behavior.  In our classes we discuss this concept and each student learns to see the world from different perspectives.

If you would like join our community and learn ways to manage your anger call us at 855-662-6437 or visit daybreakservices.com

Personal Responsibility–A concept that is frustrating for many to learn, yet quick to understand is that YOU are the only person that “makes” you anything!  You are really in control!! Students find it frustrating when they start to understand this concept because that means there is no one else to blame for their bad behavior.  While this is a hard blow for some, this can be incredibly empowering.

When we take responsibility for our own feelings, rather than blaming others for how we feel, we begin to take back over our own lives.  In class when we discuss that we have been choosing to behave in the way that has led to us feeling we need anger management.  We can begin to learn how to choose other ways of being.

This is an idea that is easy in theory but difficult in practice—personal responsibility.  So remember, YOU are in Control of Yourself!! Next time you begin to say “She made me…” stop yourself and remember that is not the case….”you are making you.”

Counselors at Daybreak Counseling Service have taught students to manage anger for over a decade. They have appeared on nationally televised show such as Keeping up with the Kardashian, MTV Real World, E News Entertainment and the Dr. Phil Show. For more information about anger management please call 855-662-6437 or visit daybreakservices.com

When you take an anger management class you will find yourself in  a place where you will learn very specific tools to live better life. Tools like Forgiving, Assertive Communication, or Stress management are a few we talk about regularly.   You will have and opportunity to talk about the specific incident that brought you to the class, but usually we simply talk about our everyday lives and how to handle situations and people in a healthy way.  The goal is to end each day and be able to feel happy, and feel comfortable with the way you handled your life!

For more information on how to enroll in anger management classes at Daybreak Counseling Service please call 855-662-6437. or visit www.daybreakservices.com

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

- Epictetus

When learning about communication, we are taught great tips and strategies for how to say what we want, but we often forget the importance of listening.  If we all think about it for a moment, we probably spend more time listening throughout the day than talking. But we often forget how to do it effectively when it’s most important – in conversations with others. Listening is much more powerful than talking. Students in my anger management class quickly learn this as they realize how poor their listening skills have been. It’s a skill and something we need to practice. Most of us don’t realize how bad we are at listening. Here are a few tips to get you started on practicing your listening skills.

Prepare yourself for good listening – Make an effort to remain focused on the speaker and what they are saying, not what you want to say next or what you’re going to eat later. We often get distracted easily. This is normal. Practicing to refocus our mind on the person in front of us is a skill that needs practice.

Stop Talking – Don’t talk, listen.  When somebody else is talking, practice staying quiet until they are finished. Listen to what they are saying and do not interrupt, talk over them or finish their sentences for them. When they are finished talking, stay quiet for a few seconds before responding to ensure you understood their message.

Beware of Distractions – Focus on what is being said. Even if you think you can multi-task, don’t. Don’t doodle, look away, shuffle through things, walk around, etc. It sends a message to the speaker that you are bored, distracted or simply don’t care.

Be Patient – Let people finish their thoughts, completely. A pause or moment of silence does not necessarily mean it’s your turn to talk. Or, if you’re a “get to the point” kind of person, remember, others may take longer to arrive at their point. This is a matter of style of communication. Try not to give off cues that you are rushing them or trying to guess their point.

Empathize – Last but not least, try to understand other people’s point of view. It’s easy to simply agree or disagree with someone. Try to really understand why they think or feel that way. Be interested in how this person arrived at their point of view. Be curious about it if you don’t share their opinion. This will allow you to be more respectful when it’s your turn to speak.

For more information on how to communicate when angry visit or website at daybreakservices.com  or call 855-662-6437

Some of us are old enough to remember an anti-drug commercial from the 1980’s where a father walks into his son’s room and the child is sitting on the bed with a box of pills and drug paraphernalia.  The father looks shocked and upset, asking the boy, “Where did you learn about these things?”  And the child responds, ”I learned it from you, Dad!  I learned it from watching you.”

The same can be true for the way our children learn about anger and what is appropriate behavior.  They learn from watching us.  This is one more reason why learning anger management skills is so important.  In this article I will offer a few tips on how parents can talk with their children about anger—both their own and their child’s—as they work through their own process of anger management.

Talk to your kids about their feelings.  This includes teaching them to identify and name their emotions.  With the youngest kids, start with the basics: mad, sad, glad and bad (feeling ashamed or sorry for doing something wrong).  Remind them that we all have these feelings as human beings.

Talk to your kids about your feelings.  Let your children know how others’ behavior affects you and model responsibility for one’s own feelings and behavior.  State your feelings as neutrally as possible: “Daddy is getting mad because this traffic is moving slow.”  Let your child help you redirect your state of mind: “Can you sing me your ABC song to pass the time?”

Teach them to accept feelings and choose behaviors.  Notice changes in your child’s mood, especially when he or she is interacting with others.  If you see a conflict—over sharing a toy, perhaps—try not to intervene unless someone begins to be upset.  Then go over and remind your child, “It is OK to feel angry, but it is not OK to throw the toys.”  Separate the feeling from the behavior.

Explain your actions.  Kids usually know when people are angry.  They may even have seen you make poor choice regarding your anger and may be confused because they love you and also see the good things about you.  It is fine to explain to your child, “Mommy is working on making better choices when I am angry.”  Tell them about what you are learning in anger management classes.  Apologize about past mistakes if necessary.

It is important to talk to our children and model appropriate behavior because they are the next generation.  It is never too early—or too late—to begin to understand ourselves and make better choices about dealing with anger.

Dayrbeak Counseling Service is a nationally recognized anger management education center. It provides information on anger, its causes and ways to prevent aggression in homes, the work place and relationships.  For more information visit www.daybreakservices.com or call 855-662-6437