Many of us have not learned to recognize when we are “people-pleasing”. We say “”yes” when we want to say “no”. We put other people’s needs ahead of our
own and while fuming at ourselves on the inside, we appear “nice” on the outside.

Another kind of people pleasing

Another kind of people pleasing is harder to recognize but just as harmful to our self-esteem and well being. How many times have you been hurt, humiliated, disrespected or not listened to? How do you handle the hurt and anger that you feel? Many of us say “Oh, that’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it” or we say nothing at all.

When hurt transforms into anger

The hurt quickly transforms into anger. Where do you think that anger goes? It doesn’t just go away nor can we think ourselves out of it. It stays and can turn in to a “resentment”. Think of the stockpile of anger you have inside when you always dismiss others hurtful words or behaviors. Why do we do this? Perhaps we play victim or have little self-esteem. Maybe we haven’t been taught to advocate for ourselves. Sometimes we are afraid of the other person.

Accepting unacceptable behavior

The unfortunate results of continually accepting “unacceptable” behavior from others can be diminished self-esteem, unpleasant physical symptoms or (ironically) losing respect from others. The truth is we always have the right to stand up for ourselves by making others aware of how their words or actions affect us.

A healthy response
What is a healthy response? When we comment on others behavior we make them immediately defensive. We should rather we use “I” statements. Instead of saying “You are really a mean person” we say “I feel hurt and disrespected when you talk in that tone” or “I feel neglected/dismissed when you say you’ll call and you don’t”. The other person does not get defensive nor can he/she argue with you about your feelings.

This can open a dialogue in which you can explain your feelings, feel empowered and teach others how to treat you. The other person is made aware of his/her words or behaviors. Assertive and healthy communication is possible and a better alternative to hostility. It is also a dynamic way to boost your self-respect and not allow the poison of resentments to infiltrate your peace of mind.

Daybreak Counseling Service
www.daybreakservices.com
http://twitter.com/angryinla
310-995-1202

Daybreak Counseling Service will be adding a Saturday Anger Management Course in its Santa Monica office starting June 5th, 2010. Due to an increase in client participation we will be offering 6 hour accelerated anger management courses on Saturdays and Sundays.

Suan Levy a Daybreak Anger Management Technican for 3 years is excited about the opportunity to sit down with even more clients interested in tools to manage anger. For more information regarding Daybreak Anger Management Classes visit our website at www.daybreakservices.com or follow us on Twitter.

Daybreak Counseling Service
310-995-1202

As a part of its national expansion process Daybreak Counseling Service is now outfiting all of its Califronia anger management education centers with Credit Card and check reading machines. The move will express the intake and payment process to leave more time for anger management intervention. Clients will still be able to make cash payments but the Daybreak Counseling Service expansion team beleives many clients will benefit from using their credit cards onsite as well as on the Daybreak Website.

Daybreak Counseling Service provides anger management classes, anger management courses in the cities of Santa Monica, Gardena, Van Nuys and Pasadena. Self-Referred clients as well as court ordered clients are welcome.

Daybreak Counseling Service
http://www.daybreakservices.com
twitter.com/angryinla
Daybreak on Facebook

Dear Shannon,

Thank you for taking the time to talk with me about the Steve Ward television pilot. The pilot is about dating and relationships. We are working on a segment about teenage dating violence and am interested in talking with teens who were abusive in previous relationships and are now getting help. Some of the things we would like our teens to discuss are the triggers, red flags and what made them abuse. The pilot is taping on June 10th and 11th. I can be reached at 818-977-0763 or taylor.tvshow@yahoo.com.
I look forward to the possibility of working with you on this project.

Sincerely,
Amy

Daybreak Counseling Service
www.daybreakservices.com
twitter.com/angryinla
310-995-1202

If you want to become certified to teach anger management classes, what are your choices of training programs? Actually, there are numerous “models” of anger management that work well- despite the claims of some that there is only one training model that works.

Some organizations warn that if consumers are trained by anyone else but them, they are not legitimate or credible. Wouldn’t it seem ridiculous that only one program in the entire world could produce a well trained anger management provider? Our course not. Consumers should make their choice of anger management training by reviewing the program content, not marketing propaganda by other organizations. Clearly there is room for various models of anger management intervention, just as there is room for varies models of psychotherapy, medicine and other interventions.

Actually, consumers should look around and pick a training model that best fits their particular clients. Following is a list of reasons why we believe the Century Anger Management Model should be strongly considered:

1. It was developed by two experienced psychotherapists, both with Ph.D. degrees, and both licensed by the state of California to practice. This is important because anger management involves an array of clinical skills, both in assessment and practice. The 40-hour training program they developed includes many modules based on their research, education, and training. This ensures the best possible background for those doing anger management individually or in classes or groups.

2. Century Anger Management is very user-friendly. We will support you during your training and after you have been certified. We answer all emails and all phone calls. We value our providers and do everything we can to keep providers current in our model of anger management. Our certification is valid for two years- with very inexpensive continuing education after that.

3. We have now trained hundreds of providers in California and elsewhere. While we can’t claim that we are the biggest anger management training company yet, we are growing and we try harder. Our model is used by many large organizations such as the Salvation Army, numerous Probation Departments, military installations, and County Mental Health Systems, and approved by the CA State Board of Corrections to train probation, parole and correctional officers.

4. We offer two ways you can become certified – through Live Training or through our new home-study program. This makes it flexible and convenient for both local people and people across the country who can benefit from our model without having to fly to California to be trained.

5. Unlike most other training organizations in anger management, we offer many free resources to providers and consumers alike, to help people with their anger issues. This includes free newsletters, podcasts, articles, and other resource materials.

More information at http://www.centuryangermanagement.com/Training/tabid/56/Default.aspx

Daybreak Counseling Service is a proud user of Century Anger Management Model

www.daybreakservices.com
twitter.com/angryinla

One of our anger management teachers had a great question for me this morning. I thought I would share the question and response.

Question – I’m hearing a lot of negative feedback from our anger managment clients about the police (racial profiling, harassment, etc) and am wondering if that fits with your impression of the police around here. Since I’m new to Los Angels, I don’t know enough about the area to know how much to believe from the clients. I thought you might have some special insight. It’s kind of tough, because I’ve worked with court mandated clients before, but was more familiar with the “character” of the local police and had a better gauge of what to believe (and what not to believe), and what to expect from the courts.

Thanks,

My Response

As for racial profiling in L.A. I try not to entertain that thread of conversation, although it does come up often in an anger management class. I try to keep the clients focused on things they can control. Many of our clients react in aggression when they can not control a situation, whether its the police, on the job or in there own home. If they feel they need to respond to injustice I to get them to explore ways to act in a pro social manner like calling the watch commander, local news outlet etc. I also recommend our clients look at if the way they respond to the police is based on a perceived reality rather present truth. Often times their dress appearance, location and companions can lend itself to negative encounters with the police.

Shannon Munford M.A. -CEO/President Anger Management Expert

A former teacher for Daybreak also replied.

In my three years of teaching anger management classes for Day Break Counseling I found that there was an overwhelming amount of clients who felt negative about the police and their interactions with them. When allowing them to explain and express their encounters, 8 out of 9 the impression I got was that there was an initial aggressive act from the client that resulted in an aggressive outcome. I am open to the possibility that racial profiling still exists but my personal opinion is that when it comes to the client’s referred by the courts that is not always the case.

I am Hispanic and have teenage children in the neighborhood. And yes, my teen son often gets pulled over by the police. My guess is that he is Hispanic and he attracts attention driving an SUV but his encounters have always been respectful and positive. I doubt it would be the case if he got defensive.

Daybreak Counseling Service
www.daybreakervices.com
http://angermanagementvideo.net/blog

“All human wisdom is summed up in two words – wait and hope.”

Our society puts a high priority on production and it appears that everyone wants what they want immediately. No body wants to wait. Microwaves can bake us a cake in 30 seconds, we get a constant stream of news through microblogging. We expect things faster and quicker. We want what we want and we want it now, but what if we don’t get what we expect? What if we have to wait? Most of us get frustrated and with frustration comes anger.

Even in this high tech world sometimes we just have to have patience. Patience is a tool in the management of anger. When we come to realize that things do not always go the way we want them we can adjust our expectations and avoid dissapointment and aggression.

Daybreak Counseling Service
www.daybreakservices.com
twitter.com/angryinla
Follow us on Facebook
310-995-1202

Many who are court ordered or who volunteer for an Anger Management Class think they are going to be taught how to “not get angry”. Some have been taught that anger is a bad thing and have felt shame over their angry feelings.

The truth is that anger is one of many emotions that comprise being a human being. We can’t eliminate anger any more than we can get rid of “joy”, “jealousy”, “grief” or any of the feelings we have. The purpose of an Anger Management Course is to learn a new way to express anger that doesn’t harm ourselves or others.

Anger is neither good nor bad, it is just a feeling.
It is only when we get carried away by it and behave against our best interest, that change is needed. Our anger can negatively impact our health, relationships, careers and our enjoyment of life. Those who express their anger with aggression or violence can end a marriage, lose a job, be incarcerated or even commit murder.

Ask yourself what makes you angry. Do you know? One of the most prevalent triggers is stress. Do you know what your stressors are? Are you aware of your stress level? It is important that you have ways to minimize stress before it causes problems for you.

Triggers can be from the stress of today but are often from past experiences. How did your parents express anger? Were you allowed to express your anger as a child? Were you ever punished for getting angry? Were you abused? Have you spent countless years holding in your angry feelings?

It is our responsibility to manage our feelings and not blame them on other people or outside forces. Attending Anger Management Classes is an effective way to relinquish your shame and be in charge of your anger.

Daybeak Counseling Service
www.daybreakservices.com
310-995-1202

Daybreak Counseling Service welcomes Karen Wood as its new anger management teacher in its Pasadena office. Karen Wood is a licensed professional counselor and has an extensive history in the field of mental health, specializing in group work. She is origianlly from the Washington DC area.

At Daybreak Counseling Service Karen will be working with clients from the San Gabriel Valley, including SilverLake, Arcadia, Altadena, Alhambra, San Marino, Sierra Madre and Rosemead.

The Pasadena office provides anger management courses every Tuesday from 7pm to 8pm and Saturday Mornings 9am-10am. Anger Management classes are held at

183 N. Hill St. #202
Pasadena, CA 91106

www.daybreakservices.com

• An elderly woman is sitting at a table in a restaurant waiting for the waitress. When the waitress appears, she walks right past the woman to wait on a table of a young couple. “Sure”, the woman thinks, “she could care less about me because I am old”.

• When Fred went to the DMV his number was called after a long wait. As soon as he approached the woman behind the counter, she grabbed his papers and was rude to him. “See”, Fred thinks, “nobody ever respects me”.

• Andrea is exhausted. She is driving home after a long workday. At the light around the corner from her house, a car cuts in front of her and makes her miss the light. She is angry and thinks “The nerve of him to do that to me!”

What do these 3 scenarios have in common? What cognitive error are all parties making? Each person is surprised that they got so angry and they don’t know why. What each did was to take the behavior of another “personally”. One key anger management tools is: “Don’t take things personally” and with good reason

In each scenario the person “assumed” what the other was thinking and got angry as a result. An important fact to remember is “people do what they do because of who they are, not because of who you are”. When come to understand this you have a powerful anger management tool.

• What the elderly woman didn’t know was that her table was not in the waitress’s station.

• Fred did not witness that the rude clerk spoke to everyone who approached her counter the same way.

• Andrea took another person’s behavior personally although the driver didn’t even know her.

Our “self talk” (what we tell ourselves) has an enormous impact on whether or not we get angry and how angry we get. Nobody is out to get us. Other people pretty much behave in a way that works for them and are not singling us out for harm or abuse.

So if you have a situation in which you feel slighted or disrespected, it’s almost never about “you”. Remember: People do what they do because of who they are, not because of who you are.

Susan Levy, MA

Daybreak Counseling Service
www.daybreakservices.com
http://angermanagementvideo.net
twitter.com/angryinLA
310-995-1202