There are many types of emotions we feel when we are “angry.” After all anger is a family of many emotions and not just one. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are! Feelings are intrinsic communications from yourself that help you heal. In the world of anger management therapy there are two ways to distinguish this family of emotions: 1) “The Healing Feelings” and 2) “The Emotional Blocks.” The Healing Feelings are normal, natural and necessary because there is a holistic or healing benefit to why we feel them. If you block your healing feeling you become blocked and being to act or feel one of the emotional blocks which leads to a toxic and negative state. The emotional blocks are usually feelings we act out on others, and our selves. For example, we tend to blame others or ourselves when we block our anger or we tend to act judgmental of others and ourselves when we block our frustration. Therefore in an effort to heal ourselves we must first become conscious of how we are blocked. Once we are able to identify the block then we can allow ourselves to feel the healing feeling and understand the real reason we are feeling this way.

Healing Feeling Holistic Benefit General Feeling Emotional Block
1. Anger Boundary Defense Betrayal Blame
2. Sadness Endings Abandonment Depression
3. Afraid Warning Uncertainty Anxiety
4. Sorrow Grief Powerlessness Indifference
5. Frustration Persistence Dissatisfaction Judgment
6. Disappointment Detachment Discouragement Indecision
7. Worry Preparation Helplessness Procrastination
8. Embarrassment Self-Acceptance Inadequacy Perfectionism
9. Envy Motivation to Change Deprivation Resentment/Jealousy
10. Hurt Self-Awareness Exclusion Self-Pity
11. Fear Beginnings Hopelessness Confusion
12. Shame Remorse Unworthiness Guilt

Adapted by a chart originally create by John Gray

How do I make sense of this chart? I find the best way to begin is to start with the emotional block column because I am usually blocking my healing feeling. For example if I find myself blaming someone for my problem, and I take a look at the far left column under “Healing Feeling” I see that what I am truly feeling is Anger. But why am I feeling angry? For further insight into this question I then take a look at the next column labeled “Holistic Benefit.” There I see that the reason that my intuition is signaling an angry message is to warn me that my boundaries have been violated. To double check these interpretations, I now look to column #3, “General Feeling,” to see if I have been feeling betrayed in any way. Please remember the language of feelings is not an exact science. However, the more you feel your HEALING FEELINGS (left column) the better you will feel and the quicker you will heal! The longer you BLOCK your HEALING FEELINGS with NEGATVE/UNHEALTHY EMOTIONS (right column) the worse you will feel and the longer it will take you to heal. I encourage you to use Language of Feelings Chart frequently to feel your healing feelings and release your unhealthy emotions.

Diana Bonilla
Daybreak Counseling Service
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Shannon Munford, anger management expert gives Dylan Ratigan a few tips on how to control his anger. He also talks about recent anger outbursts of a Mcdonalds customer and a Jet Blue flight attendant, Steven Slater. Shannon Munford is the CEO of Daybreak Counseling Service. His company provides anger management courses throughout the nations

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There are a many of misunderstandings about anger management and the type of person that can benefit from an anger management class. One of the misunderstandings I have observed is that until a person’s anger has got them into some sort of legal trouble, they are having serious problems on the job, or significant damage is occurring in their personal relationships, they don’t believe they need to address their anger management issues. Unfortunately, many people feel intense anger and rage, but they don’t act out in an angry manner. They don’t appear to be angry, but inside they feel completely out of control. This is called internalized anger and is prevalent among some families and cultures that encourage restraint of what is perceived as “negative emotions,” especially anger. These are persons that keep their anger bottled up and do not express their feelings no matter how intense.

The severity of a persons anger management issues seems to be assessed and labeled by measuring the toll it takes on the persons external world, but many experts tell us that internalized anger can have a serious negative impact on our physical, emotional and psychological well being. Unfortunately many people who internalize their anger never consider the benefits of anger counseling or an anger management course.

Research indicates that chronic internalized forms of anger, such as resentment, impatience, irritability, grouchiness, etc. give a person a five times greater chance of dying before age 50. Internalized chronic anger can elevate blood pressure, increase the threat of stroke, heart disease, cancer, depression, anxiety, and generally depresses the immune system. Angry people tend to seek relief from their ill moods caused by anger through other health-endangering habits, such as smoking and drinking, or workaholism and perfectionism.

Internalized anger also tends to “leak out” no matter how hard a person attempts to repress it. If a person feels significant anger, even if they don’t overtly express it, it comes out in other ways such as passive aggressive behaviors, harsh indirect comments, sabotaging others, body language, sarcasm, over controlling behaviors, bullying and inappropriate teasing.

The key is to recognize that it’s important to learn to express anger skillfully and respectfully, whether the anger is internalized or shared openly with others. For the person that internalizes their anger there is hope. Through techniques taught in anger management courses, persons suffering from internalized anger can learn to express their anger in healthy ways and avoid the significant psychological and physical repercussions associated with this dangerous condition.

Dr. Doug Loisel

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Shannon Munford M.A., a nationally recognized anger management expert was interviewed by E! Entertainment Coorespondent Ken Baker.

At the height of their stardom and at the pinnacle of their success many of the worlds most beautiful and powerful women have been victims of physical or verbal abuse by the hands of their significant other.

The list is like a who’s who in fashion, music and movies. Halle Berry, Oksana, Rhianna, Kourtney Kardashian, Brooke Mueller.
Why would these women who appaer to have it all allow themselves to be ridiculed and abused by men. The answer to that question is found somewhere behind the glamour, behind PR machine. They don’t have it all. Somewhere inside them they do not feel worthy of love, true love that is. Becuase true love does not beat you, true love does not curse you or cause you to live in fear.

Fame can be an isolating monster. You don’t know who to trust and you can’t relate to the common 9 to 5 Joe or soccer mom. For some of these women their only constant is the man they say they love. He is a twisted stablizing force. At least they know what to expect from him even if they expect the worst.

In most cases awareness will come but often too late. Physical injury and public embarrasment can be a shocking wake up call. The goal of any anger management practioner is to keep the client from being lulled back to sleep by their perpetrator.

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Anger is a complex emotion. Anger can be both positive and negative. It is a positive emotion when it motivates us to protect ourselves from harm and helps us defend ourselves from outside attacks. It is a natural emotion that all humans experience, whether you are, a child, teenager or an adult. What we do with this emotion is crucial to our well being. If we act out our anger and become overly aggressive with others this becomes a negative expression of our anger and can have harmful effects on our relationships and our health. However, if we are able to channel our anger in a more appropriate, adult-like response, then we are able to communicate effectively what are feelings are and set boundaries for the things that we are willing to expect and those that are unacceptable. But how do we go about learning how to become more in control of our anger?

TRIGGERS

The first step in using anger management techniques and perhaps the most important one is to understand and know what our triggers are. What makes you angry, what makes you feel disrespected, neglected, abandoned, left out, taken for granted? All of these emotions can trigger angry feelings because anger is not just one emotion; it is a family of many emotions.

IMPLICIT MEMORY

Step two in anger management is to learn to respond to others rather than react. How do we do this? We must first develop self-awareness by practicing step one but beyond that we must learn to resolve our “implicit memories.” Implicit memories are those that have been developed in early life-infancy through adolescences. These memories are deeply rooted. The implicit memory system establishes the foundation of our character. Implicit memory is made up of unconscious emotional patters that help us relate to ourselves and others. It’s the kind of memory we access without thinking.

ANGER AND YOUR BRAIN

Our emotional center of our brain is housed in the limbic system. The limbic system is composed of many parts but the most important to us, as we learn more about anger management therapy, are the amygdala and the hippocampus. The amygdala is activated by catecholamines such as adrenaline which activates our aggression. The hippocampus is where our long term memories are stored so that these two together act to stimulate our “implicit memories.” Therefore, because of implicit memory we might feel triggered by a certain person or event and not be consciously aware, at first, that we are angry but due our limbic system our pent up emotions are acted out once again. Until we are able to heal our core wound by going back and finishing what was left incomplete in our development, we run the risk of experiencing chronic and painful problems with those we love the most as well as in our professional/working environments. Healing our core wounds is how we resolve our implicit memories associated with anger, and how we begin to see the possibility of choice in our lives.

By: Diana Bonilla, M.A.

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I got a call yesterday from a young lady who wanted some advice. It seems her ex-boyfriend was ordered 52 weeks of anger management classes and he had missed the deadline for enrolling. She wanted to know how she could make him take a class, and she was willing to pay for it. Do you see anything wrong with this picture?

As a business owner I informed her I would gladly take her money but as an adviser I informed her paying for your ex-boyfreind’s anger management course tells me more about your state of mind than your boyfriend’s.

In short you can’t make anyone get help. Learning to deal with their anger has to be a personal, deliberate decision. If the loss of a relationship and a couple of days in jail does not convince them they need help there is not much anyone else can do.

On occassion I am ask to call the individual, the caller asks, (usually female) “Can you talk to him? Maybe you can make him go”. To quote a famous buddhist proverb, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”. In other words I am not calling your husband. They need to call me.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are a few things you can do to spark introspection and encourage personal responsiblity.

Don’t stand in the way of natural consequences

If your significant other or teenage child is facing a layoff, criminal charges or expulsion because of their aggressive behavior don’t enable them by standing in the way of these natural consequences. Sometimes the quickest way to healing is the realization that you are in pain.

Set boundaries

When you take a passive stance regarding a loved one’s anger they have no incentive to change. If you are a victim of verbal or physical aggression you must let the perpetrator know through word and deed that their behavior is not acceptable. This may means witholding affection (sex), calling the police, or leaving the relationship all together.

In conclusion one of the best ways to ensure your boyfreind or husband gets help is to make sure you have a firm sense of value of yourself. No one should allow themselves to be exposed to a prolonged dose of bitterness, contempt and aggression. You deserve better.

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Many people, in an effort to be “nice” or to avoid confrontation, allow others to call the shots. They give their power away by allowing others to exert their will over them and end up controlled by the expectations and decisions of another.

Although this is what some believe is the easy way to handle relationships or stay conflict-free, they pay a very high price both mentally and emotionally. Their self-esteem dwindles and they become very angry.

Feeling of powerlessness and resentment ensue when they realize that they are no longer driving their own bus. They have turned the wheel over to others to manage their lives for them and they become even more angry.

They greatly resent others who are making choices and decisions for them without realizing that they have given their decision to allow it.

If they are fortunate, there will be an occasion in which they will realize what they are doing that keeps them angry and shamed. It will not be easy for them to take back control of their lives. It is challenging and often scary to change behaviors and become more assertive. It is almost impossible to do on one’s own, so asking for help is important.

Help can come in the form of therapy, an anger management course or confiding in a trusted person who can give feedback and offer suggestions.

As these former “people pleasers” become more assertive and self-empowered by taking back control of their lives from others, they gratefully find out that their shame and anger are no longer an issue. An added bonus is that they are more respected and valued by themselves and others.

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Getting to know your self (what makes you tick) is a worthwhile and emotionally smart endeavor. Taking a journey inside ourselves can be fearsome but can be enlightening and rewarding.

This is especially important when it comes to our emotions. What makes us happy? Sad? Excited? What makes us angry?

Many of us are blindsided by our feelings or don’t know how to process or manage them. This can result in us being “run” by our feelings, not having any control of them. This can be dangerous when it comes to feelings of anger.

Many anger management clients have let their feelings get the better of them with negative results. They have jeopardized their relationships, job or sometimes their freedom.

Knowing what your “triggers” are is important. Simply – “what makes you angry”? Some of us hate to wait in lines. Some are angered by injustice. Many people say they get angry when disrespected or ignored. Others can get enraged by traffic or an inconsiderate neighbor. Everyone is different. Our triggers are usually the results of our upbringing and life experience.

If we know our anger triggers we can avoid certain situations. We can take a positive action and be better prepared to manage our anger. Someone I know was angry with her friend for always being late picking her up for the movies. She took a positive action. Since she was tired of missing the first 15 minutes of every film they saw, she told her friend that she would take her own car. If you are a “road rager” you can allow for more time to get to your destination. If waiting in line at the DMV gets to you, bring your computer or a book.

Paying attention to your triggers affords you the knowledge and ability to better manage your anger. Another benefit is that you might get angry less often.

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Many of us have not learned to recognize when we are “people-pleasing”. We say “”yes” when we want to say “no”. We put other people’s needs ahead of our
own and while fuming at ourselves on the inside, we appear “nice” on the outside.

Another kind of people pleasing

Another kind of people pleasing is harder to recognize but just as harmful to our self-esteem and well being. How many times have you been hurt, humiliated, disrespected or not listened to? How do you handle the hurt and anger that you feel? Many of us say “Oh, that’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it” or we say nothing at all.

When hurt transforms into anger

The hurt quickly transforms into anger. Where do you think that anger goes? It doesn’t just go away nor can we think ourselves out of it. It stays and can turn in to a “resentment”. Think of the stockpile of anger you have inside when you always dismiss others hurtful words or behaviors. Why do we do this? Perhaps we play victim or have little self-esteem. Maybe we haven’t been taught to advocate for ourselves. Sometimes we are afraid of the other person.

Accepting unacceptable behavior

The unfortunate results of continually accepting “unacceptable” behavior from others can be diminished self-esteem, unpleasant physical symptoms or (ironically) losing respect from others. The truth is we always have the right to stand up for ourselves by making others aware of how their words or actions affect us.

A healthy response
What is a healthy response? When we comment on others behavior we make them immediately defensive. We should rather we use “I” statements. Instead of saying “You are really a mean person” we say “I feel hurt and disrespected when you talk in that tone” or “I feel neglected/dismissed when you say you’ll call and you don’t”. The other person does not get defensive nor can he/she argue with you about your feelings.

This can open a dialogue in which you can explain your feelings, feel empowered and teach others how to treat you. The other person is made aware of his/her words or behaviors. Assertive and healthy communication is possible and a better alternative to hostility. It is also a dynamic way to boost your self-respect and not allow the poison of resentments to infiltrate your peace of mind.

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Daybreak Counseling Service will be adding a Saturday Anger Management Course in its Santa Monica office starting June 5th, 2010. Due to an increase in client participation we will be offering 6 hour accelerated anger management courses on Saturdays and Sundays.

Suan Levy a Daybreak Anger Management Technican for 3 years is excited about the opportunity to sit down with even more clients interested in tools to manage anger. For more information regarding Daybreak Anger Management Classes visit our website at www.daybreakservices.com or follow us on Twitter.

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