Anger Control – You got a right Not to Fight!

“I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.” – Author Unknown

I’m not sure who said this but I have this quote posted on the wall of the classroom I teach in. Almost always, I get a chuckle from people along with a few surprising comments when they first read it. When people realize they actually have a choice about the fights they engage in, it can throw them for a loop.

In my anger management class in Van Nuys I often use this quote to begin the discussion about having the choice to respond instead of react. This is one of the anger management tools and it usually leads to a discussion about power and control. As we go through the process of learning how to respond more effectively to others, it becomes an incredible revelation for people to discover how good it feels to sometimes say “no” to a fight or argument. People come in to an anger management class wanting one thing – control. Often they feel the only way to gain control is by fighting back and ultimately, winning. Eventually, students learn they have a choice and that choice feels good. I always remind my students that they get to decide what they spend their time, energy, and attention on. I have many students tell me in my classroom that their partner will always “push” them into a fight. Then, the room gets silent and hopefully someone brilliant (not always me) reminds them that a fight takes more than one person and he or she can choose not to fight or they can fight differently.

So, the next time the guy cuts you off on the road, say no to his invitation to fight and ruin your morning. The next time your wife begins to nag about the dirty dishes in the sink in order to start a fight, say no to the invitation to have the same old argument that gets you both nowhere. Just like we learned as kids growing up, just say “no.”

Diana Gutierrez, MS is an anger management instructor at Daybreak Counseling Service located in Van Nuys, California. This office services the San Fernando Valley and surrounding Los Angeles cities.

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