Anger Management for Dummies. 5 Steps to manage your anger

Many times people have said that they feel they go from zero to sixty in a heartbeat and feel overwhelmed with how they are going to get their anger under control. This is a common complaint for those who do not have a clear understanding of how anger develops. In fact, anger can follow a very clear pathway to expression. So clear even a dummy can follow it. Here are five steps we teach in our anger management classes:

Step One: What are your triggers?

What was the target of your anger? Describe the situation surrounding your anger. Many times triggers are a part of a sequence of events. It can be something someone said or did. It could be a minor event or a major event. Keep in mind that the trigger does not necessarily have to be an external event; it can be a memory of your past.

Step Two: Appraisals:

Every trigger is appraised or evaluated. It is how we judge the sequence of events that lead up to the trigger. To appraise our triggers is to think about it in a certain way. Often times, we tend to over exaggerate our evaluation of the trigger. Unfortunately, triggers are often over-appraised and blow-up or out of proportion which lead to an angry reaction. Appraising can fall under the following thought patterns:

1. Awfullizing: “I thought this was one of the worst things that could be happening to me.”
2. Low frustration tolerance: “I thought I could handle or deal with this situation.”
3. Demandingness: “I thought the other person should have acted differently.”
4. Judging: “I thought the other person was ‘bad’ or ‘worthless’ or a ‘jerk.’”
5. Self-deprecating: “I thought I was less important or worthless.”
6. Distortion: “My thinking became distorted, I didn’t see things clearly.”
7. Unfairness: “I thought the other person acted unfairly.”
8. Revenge: “I thought the other person deserved to be punished.”

The more you become aware of any of these thought patterns the more you are likely to catch yourself over appraising and deciding to see the trigger for what it really is and often times a trigger could just be a miscommunication between two people.

Step Three: Our Experience:

The experience of the anger is the private and personal part. It entails the private thoughts and images you experience in your mind as the anger episode is happening. It also consists of the inner self-talk that occurs. This private anger could be anywhere from mild to very intense and may subside quickly or may take days to subside. Ask yourself: How intense was your anger in that situation? How long did your anger last? Did it last for minutes, hours, days? What physical sensations did you experience? For example did you feel: muscle tension, rapid heartbeat, headaches, upset stomach, flushing, trembling, diarrhea, rapid breathing, fatigue, nausea, or sweating?

Step Four: Expressive Pattern:

How did your anger manifest to the outside world? What did you do about it? Did you do any of the following?

1. Aversive verbalizations: such as yelling, arguing, screaming, threatening, and making sarcastic remarks.
2. Bodily expressions: such as rolling your eyes, glaring, frowning.
3. Physical aggression: hit, kick, fight or shove, break or throw things, slam or destroy objects.
4. Passive retaliation: say something bad or do something secretly harmful to the person.
5. Hold anger in: keep things in and boil inside, harbor grudges and not tell anyone.
6. Avoidance: escape or withdraw from the situation, distract yourself by reading, watching TV, listening to music.
7. Try to resolve the problem: compromise, discuss, or come to some agreement with the person.
8. Substance use: drink beer or alcohol, take medication, aspirin, valium etc.

Step Five: The Outcomes:

Ask yourself, what are you trying to achieve with your anger? Is there a better way to accomplish your goals? Was your anger helpful or harmful? How did you feel after your anger passed? Did you feel relieved or did you feel regret? How did the anger episode affect the relationship with the other person? Did it have a negative or positive impact?

By Diana Bonilla, M.A.
(Adapted from Kassinve’s and Tafrate’s Anger Episode Model)

Diana is an anger management insturctor for Daybreak Counseling Service. She teaches in the city of Van Nuy, California.

Daybreak Counseling Service
14416 Hamlin St. #107
Van Nuys, CA 91401
www.daybreakservices.com
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