What is hiding behind your anger?
When I ask students what they were feeling before they got angry, most look puzzled or say something like “didn’t you hear me? I said angry!” What is sometimes difficult to swallow is the idea that becoming angry usually comes after feeling something else. Identifying the root of our anger can help us communicate more effectively. I like to think of it as anger being our way of communicating these underlying feelings.
Think of the last time you got angry. I’ll share a possible example. Let’s say your husband promised you all last week that you would go on a date Friday night. He provided wonderful details of a romantic evening out that you could not wait to enjoy. After spending the whole afternoon that Friday getting dolled up and ready for your evening out, he comes home, pecks you on the cheek, turns on the TV, plops on the couch, and doesn’t say a word about your date! Then he proceeds to share his “new plan” for the evening. He talks about how he couldn’t wait to get home and have a nice evening in with movies and take-out. This whole time he hadn’t even mentioned your previous plan. To make matters worse, he asks why you went to work so dressed up! You sensed your level of frustration rising from the moment he plopped on the couch. But anger came stampeding in when you realized he really had completely forgotten what he had promised. So, you get angry, right? He forgot, so you get angry! Well, no. Sitting there all dolled up and realizing he forgot probably made you feel disrespected, hurt, and disappointed. Not noticing that you had spent all day getting ready added to the hurt and you may have felt embarrassed for spending all that time on looking nice. Your level of frustration rose as he was continually oblivious. Then you got angry. This process happens so fast we usually don’t notice those others feelings unless we try.
Why do we choose to show and express anger instead of the other feelings? Well, anger just feels easier at the time. Anger makes us feel tough, strong, and in control. Berating him about his constant forgetfulness and his inability to keep promises is much easier to point out than your hurt and disappointment. In some way, shape, or form, this is usually the case with anger. It’s just easier.
Expressing those underlying feelings means taking the risk of being vulnerable and, even scarier, risking that the other person may not respond the way we want. When we go off in anger we think we are sending the right message but really we’re distracting from the real message which is “I felt really hurt and disrespected when you didn’t remember our date. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me but that’s how it made me feel after I spent all day getting ready. I know you must be tired from a long day at work, but I would like for you to try and remember our plans more often.” This statement has less blame, creates opportunity for dialogue, and leaves room for problem-solving. An angry rant will only cause more hurt and resentment in everyone.
Other feelings hiding behind our anger might be guilt, shame, fear, sadness, and jealousy just to name a few. Can you identify your hidden feelings? In my anger management course we learn to identify these underlying feelings even though it can be quite the struggle. Students have trouble but eventually begin to admit they don’t like showing they are hurt or scared because they feel weak and stupid. As students realize that these underlying feeling exist, they can practice communicating them more effectively while still feeling strong and in control. They learn that using anger as a way to communicate all the time is exhausting and energy draining. They realize they feel more powerful when they can own their true feelings.
Diana Gutierrez, MS
Daybreak Counseling Service
www.daybreakservices.com
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