Anger Management and Verbal Abuse
By Susan Levy
Having been a victim of both verbal and physical abuse, I can honestly report that for me the verbal was worse than the physical. The main reason for this is that the physical abuse heals in a short time; the verbal abuse can permanently damage or erode one’s very identity and self. Words are so much more powerful than most people realize and can ruin a day, a relationship or even a life.
Verbal abusers use “words” as their “weapon” and they are most often very good at demoralizing, hurting and even brutalizing without lifting a finger. Their motive is usually “control”. They want to “break you” and get you to live in their reality. Women in marriages with verbal abusers are often not actually held in contempt by their husbands. – rather they are the “victim” of the abusers discontent and rage.
Men who are consistently verbally abusive are often “narcissists”. This is a personality disorder that does not often respond to any kind of treatment or anger management courses. The narcissist cares only about himself and getting his every wish and need filled. He has no interest in how others feel and is indifferent to their welfare.
I stayed with my angry and abusive husband for 14 years not knowing what I was dealing with. I dressed nicer, lost weight, made nicer dinners, bought him gifts – placate, placate, placate! I believed that it was my fault that he acted the way he did. I was wrong – very wrong. I just happened to be his present punching bag to use when he couldn’t tolerate his own feelings, which is the game that abusers love to play.
Abusers evolve from years of anger, hate and resentment often formed in their families of origin. You cannot fix or cure them. I almost lost myself trying. The challenge to women is that these “narcissist” types are almost always extremely charming and seductive. They have a lot of practice in knowing just what to say and do to draw a woman in and manipulate her vulnerabilities to his benefit. Some women (like I was 30 years ago) get deluded by the charm and are oblivious to any danger or harm to themselves. If you meet a new man, get to really know him. Make sure you see where he “says” he lives. Ask to meet his friends. Be alert for signs of “controlling” words or behaviors. Meet some of his family members early on in the relationship.
Be aware. You cannot change this man You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
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