Scott McKeen
The Edmonton Journal

Monday, June 23, 2008

This one’s for men who seethe inwardly, men who rage outwardly and men whose reflexive anger protects them from hurt feelings.

In other words, it’s for the vast majority of men in our society. Last Monday I wrote about the psychological void in most men caused by emotionally distant fathers.

Today’s column is about how that void is oft filled with anger — one of the few emotions men feel safe to express, along with laughter and lust.

Calvin Sandborn’s book, Becoming the Kind Father, is today’s inspiration. Sandborn is in town to give a workshop on the topic of male anger.

Lest you think his book and workshop is only for violent spouses, think again. Physical violence is the rare but shameful expression of a common darkness in the hearts of men.

And lest you think I’m siding with radical feminism, you are so wrong. I do not believe men are inherently violent or angry. Nor are they born emotionally stunted. In fact, studies show male babies to be equally or more emotionally expressive as female babies.

The sad fact is that both boys and girls are warped by societal expectations — by what Sandborn calls patriarchy.

“I know, all red-blooded men cringe when they hear that word, patriarchy,” says Sandborn. “But in our resentment against feminist criticism, men have missed a vital point. Patriarchy has stolen our hearts and is killing us.”

The theft, according to Sandborn, is of the ability to express, process or even feel a normal array of human emotions.

Patriarchy stresses power over weakness and individual achievement over community and intimacy.

Girls lose their voice, their power, under such pressures. Boys learn to be ashamed of their sensitive or “sissy” feelings. So boys suppress such feelings, though they can’t ever outrun them.

Sandborn says men, if made to feel ashamed, sad or hurt, react by getting angry at the cause, be it a boss, spouse, child or friend. The “other” gets blamed for making him feel what he shouldn’t feel as a man — vulnerable.

“He gets mad, the adrenaline starts flowing, he feels powerful and before you know it, he’s not feeling sad anymore,” says Sandborn, a University of Victoria law professor who grew up with a raging alcoholic of a father.

“The point is, if you scratch an angry man, you’ll often find a grieving man underneath — a guy who has never learned how to identify and process his vulnerable feelings.”

According to Sandborn, no one is victimized by the angry man more than the angry man himself. What he learned from his father, he learned well.

“Most men don’t have very good relations with their fathers,” he says. “Perhaps 10 or 15 per cent of sons report a good relationship. Others report angry fathers, critical fathers, emotionally distant fathers, absent fathers.”

Essentially, how the father treated the son is the way the son now treats himself. The critical voice now lives in his head.

“As Shakespeare put it, the voice of a father is like the voice of God,” says Sandborn. “And that critical voice is often incorporated into the ongoing internal narrative that we use to define our world.”

Expressing anger doesn’t work for angry men, either. A feedback loop starts when anger is expressed at a loved one, for example. Anger leads to guilt, leads to self-loathing, leads to more anger.

This all comes at great cost. Not only are families hurt by angry men, so are the men themselves. Stress kills angry men at a rate much higher than others. Men are twice as likely to become alcoholics — four times as likely to take their own life.

The answer? To begin, men must soften the cruel self-talk by adopting a patient and supportive inner voice. As Sandborn says, a man can become his own kind father.

“This makes all the difference. By treating himself with compassion, a man allows his heart to re-emerge — he re-establishes a relationship with self. And for the first time, close relationships with others become a real possibility.”

He advises men to pay more attention to their feelings. Give yourself permission to feel things. The truth is that feelings, with permission, will rise and then pass. Admit your guilt or sadness to yourself. But use a gentle voice. Everyone is flawed. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is a perfect husband, father or friend.

Remember, too, that anger is natural when a person feels attacked. But Sandborn says we can express angry feelings without losing our temper. Often, what we want to express to the other person is not our anger, but our hurt feelings.

Sandborn was raised by an angry father. He became an angry man. Yet he knew in his heart it wasn’t the kind of father, spouse and man he wanted to be.

“I know people can change because I have,” says Sandborn. “And so have many other men.”

smckeen@thejournal.canwest.com

Calvin Sandborn is in Edmonton today to host a workshop and discuss his book, Becoming the Kind Father: Journey to a Man’s Heart.

The workshop is at the Coast Edmonton Plaza Hotel, 10155 105th Street , from 1:30 to 4:30 p.m. The cost is $25 and includes a copy of the book. Call the Edmonton John Howard Society and speak to Lynda at 970-5120.

Daybreak Counseling Service
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Houston Astros’ pitcher Shawn Chacon was placed on waivers Thursday June 26th 2008 after attacking General Manager Ed Wade. Chacon may have lost $983,607 of his 2 million dollar contract when he repeatedly shoved GM Ed Wade to the ground in a Astros dining room. Apparently the baseball player was unhappy about being taken off rotation and wanted to talk to the Genral Manager about being traded.

It was reported Chacon has had other incidents in which he ignored or became irrate with Astros coaching staff and administration.

Chacon has a chance of being picked up by another baseball team, but without intervetion he may take his anger management issues with him. The pitcher adds new meaning to the term “bring the heat”

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By Gregory Kyles, LPC, CEAP, CAMF http://www.ami-tx.com

Everybody experiences anger at some point of time or the other. A certain degree of anger is normal and healthy. However, if it gets out of control you can harm not only yourself but also those you come into contact with. Anger is probably the most real of all human emotions. It can increase your determination and will-power to reach the heights of success or it can catapult you into the valleys of fury and rage. By itself, anger is not really dangerous to your well-being. Everything depends on how you deal with it.

We lead a different life as compared to our fore-fathers. Technology has perhaps improved life in many ways but it has also made it difficult and stressful. We have no time to smell the roses. We always have to do something yesterday, right now, today or tomorrow. This leads to overwhelming pressure and stress. Let’s take an example of the average married man. He wakes up in the morning to rush to work sometimes without breakfast. He travels miles to his workplace only to be reprimanded by his boss for late-coming. During the day he has projects to complete and deadlines to meet, all under his immediate supervisor’s watchful eye. If something goes wrong he is held responsible. He returns in the evening to a mischievous child and a wife who grumbles about his never having the time for her. A squabble follows making him feel stressed out, angry and depressed. And this is an average day in the life of a married man. The bad days are a different story altogether.

Anger Management: In this age of unusual stress and pressure, anger management is of paramount importance. It teaches you to accept what you can’t change and channel your energy to feel positive and calm. It is important for people from all walks of life to control and manage their anger. Employees must learn to deal with work pressure and demanding supervisors. Bosses should control their feelings of hostility towards perceived inefficient workers. Couples must stop venting their frustrations on each other. Anger management teaches you all this and much more. Organizations must recognize the need to incorporate anger management into their training programs. Expressing feelings must be encouraged and honest feedback should be provided. This will bring about a sense of harmony and increase productivity at the work-place.

Stress Management and Anger: Stress and anger are two sides of the same coin. Often, we are angry because we are stressed and vice versa. The causes of stress are many. Demands at the workplace, uncompromising supervisors, inefficient employees, strained relationships, health issues and financial worries are some of these causes. If you can learn to beat the heat and manage stress half the battle is won. There are various techniques that can be used to manage stress. Try deep breathing when faced with a tense situation. Yoga and meditation can also work as stress busters. Therapists endorse exercising as a means to release feel good hormones and do away with stress and tension.

All said and done, anger and stress to a certain degree is desirable and healthy. Excessive stress can lead to fits of anger and affect all aspects of life. Managing stress and anger is important for your emotional as well as physical well being.

The most effective way in managing your stress and anger is to learn anger and fear control skills by taking an anger management class. It would be most helpful if the classes focused on anger management, stress management, assertive communication, and emotional intelligence.

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The California State Prison Authority is making plans to release approximately 25,000 low risk convicts from jail over the next three years. Jail overcrowding and an overwhelming budget crisis has forced judges and state referrees to consider returning prisoners to the communites early. This means Los Angeles County will receive the majority share of the prison population, eqaulling 8,500 ex-cons.

In the past parolees were released with conditions of parole including the order to complete anger management classes. In some instances parolees were given State issued checks to pay for such services. Some anger management providers have reported not being able to cash the state checks due to insufficient funds.

It stands to reason that newly released parolees will be ordered to receive rehabilitation services within the local community. For most of these parolees anger management is an area of concern. Local probation offices will have the burden of supervising the former inmates and monitoring there compliance with court ordered conditions.

Los Angeles County is not exempt from the nation-wide financial strain, and therefore its probation department can not provide all the needed services for offenders. Many offenders will be forced to find anger management providers within their community to avoid returning to prison.

Daybreak Counseling Service a court approved anger management education center serves five specifc communities in the Los Angeles area. Daybreak staff is preparing to receive an influx of new clients to their already crowded classes. Preparation includes talk of opening more offices or providing more frequent weekly anger management courses.

Daybreak Counseling Service
www.daybreakservices.com
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310-995-1202

Anger is one emotion we all have. For some of us anger is the primary way we express our needs when we get upset. What is interesting about anger is that it is usually a response to some other emotion we are having. Really give it some thought. Think about the last time you were really upset. Were you upset because someone hurt your feelings? Perhaps it was because you felt blamed or were minimized? Anger is usually a secondary response on the “emotional food chain”. There is usually some other emotion that precedes it. Learning to understand our true feelings that get masked by anger is the first way to understand how we can express our anger more effectively.

Taking a class in anger management can be really helpful. Anger management classes are not just for people that broke the law and get sent by the courts. Anger management classes are used by corporations, managers, law offices, school personal, families and volunteer. Most good anger management classes teach skills that many of us just don’t learn in school or in life. You will learn better ways of communicating so that your true feelings and needs get expressed.

Most anger management classes teach skills in assertiveness. Learning to be assertive will help get your feeling, needs, and mood expressed in the most appropriate way. When we speak assertively, we do it in a reasonable tone, we don’t use profanity, we make good eye contact, and we feel good about ourselves. The opposite of being assertive is being aggressive, passive-aggressive or just passive.

You will also learn ways to reduce stress. When we reduce stress we feel better. We also help increase our life expectancy because high levels of stress over prolong period of time can have damaging effects to our bodies (and our minds). Anger management classes will often teach you the skills you need to identify and mange stress in ways you never thought possible.

Most anger management classes also teach skills in increasing our empathy. When we increase our empathy we are better able understand the feelings other people might be experiencing. Becoming more empathic gives us the ability to not get as frustrated with others and have better insight into our own feelings. Many anger management classes teach these skills. They are valuable because they help us become better working with others as well as having stronger more rewarding relationships.

Other important areas to look for when taking a anger management class include skills in forgiveness, improving self-talk and optimism, learning to respond instead of react, and improving judgment and impulse control. These important skills should be taught in an quality anger management program.
The bottom line is, don’t wait to have anger ruin a valued relationship. Anger is an emotion that can be understood. Bad behavior can be unlearned and replaced with more positive and appropriate actions. The more you can understand about your own anger the faster you will be able to do something about it. Most people let anger control their lives. In many cases anger has ruined lives by destroying relationships and dissolving partnerships. Learning skills in an anger management class could change your life for the better. Enroll in a class and try it out. Getting the help you need could save you more than realize.

About the Author:

Dr. Ari Novick is the founder of AJ Novick Group, a leading provider of anger management classes and training. He is the co-author of two popular client workbooks in anger management and is an adjunct faculty member at Pepperdine University. Visit www.ajnovickgroup.com for more information on their live programs and www.angerclassonline.com for their online anger management classes.

Daybreak Counseling Service
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Los Angeles –

Kids First Comprehensive Conflict Resolution Services for Children is offering a day camp exclusively for African American boys, ages 8 to 12. Boyz 2 Men Summer Day Camp, run by African American men, begins Monday, June 23, 2008.

The day camp’s motto, ‘Men of the village training our boys to become men’, is based on the African Proverb: It takes a village to raise a child and Proverbs 22:6: Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart far from it.

‘We know many of our boys live in single parent homes headed by women. As a result we have boys who never learn to be men. As hard as women try, they are not equipped to train boys to become men. Our boys learn about manhood from videos, video games and pro sports. Not trying to cast blame, but that isn’t what being an African American man is all about, stated Robert Montiller, the camp director.

Boyz 2 Men exposes young boys to the positive aspects of being an African American male. The camp will be a ‘men only’ domain, where these young men will learn the meaning and importance of brotherhood and manhood. They will learn self sufficiency through learning their culture and history, mathematical applications, literacy, volunteerism, conflict resolution, and business strategies.

Camp opens at 7:00 AM. During arrival time, campers will play various board games. The purpose is to encourage them to use critical thinking, bond with one another and learn to develop strategies. Electronic games and music players will not be allowed.

Each day will begin with a morning meeting. The rituals of the meeting will include the singing of the Negro National Anthem, the recitation of the poem, ‘Our Deepest Fear’, and a discussion of the day’s plans, including the theme and focus. Here the young men will also learn leadership skills.

Many African American young men have never left their immediate neighborhoods. There are even some who have never seen the Pacific Ocean despite its close proximity to Los Angeles. To address this, Boyz 2 Men will be a mobile day camp. The day’s activities will take place in various parts and locations thorough out the city.

Each day of the week will have a different theme and focus. The Village is where the young men will learn about the African American community. They will visit such community icons as the Watts Towers, African American Museum, and other locales pertinent to the African American experience in Los Angeles. The focus of The Village is to teach African American history and values.

The theme of Volunteerism is designed to teach African American young men to give back to their communities. Each week they will undertake a project and donate 108 hours of service. They will learn the value of helping their community. The focus of Volunteerism is to teach the value of giving back.

In the Conflict Resolution theme the young men will learn skills and strategies designed to help them resolve conflict. The young men will learn anger management skills and anti-bullying strategies. African American young men often lack these skills and strategies and therefore they fight regularly in school and face suspension and expulsion. They will learn mediation and leadership skills. The focus of Conflict Resolution is to provide skills that will assist the young men in being successful in school, at home and in the community at large.

The Business theme is designed to teach African American young men about the world of business and fiscal management. On Business day shirts and ties are the mode of dress. This will be a new experience for many of these young men, who will be taught to tie their ties. Each week the young men will have lunch with an African American businessman. They will learn about the businessman’s business, including how he got started. They will also be encouraged to consider youth entrepreneurship. Each participant will receive a Kids Wealth Money Kit which teaches budgeting and money management. Every week the young men will go to the bank to make a deposit. The purpose is to instill the habit of saving and to teach the young men how to conduct themselves in a business setting.

The final theme is Just for Fun. The campers will learn the value of completing tasks and assignments and the rewards associated with completion. Each week the campers will explore amusement parks and other recreational facilities.

Literacy will be addressed by the young men reading articles and stories regarding the day’s theme. Math will focus on financial literacy, counting and managing money. Additionally the young men will work out with a personal trainer, learn chess, swimming and martial arts.

‘And no camp experience would be complete without arts and crafts’, stated Mr. Montiller. ‘This is our first year, so space is limited. If you want your son or young person to participate, please sign up early.’
For more information contact Kids First at 310-497-1640 or go to www.KidsFirstConflictResolution.com.

#2 Please recommend businessmen for Lunch with a businessman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We need businessmen to have lunch with our boys. We are asking the volunteers to tell the boys about their business: what they do, why they are in business and how they got started. We would appreciate a tour of their facility. The boys bring their lunch, so they would join them in the park to eat. Business day is Thursday, so they would need to be available that day. Please email me any prospective volunteers.
#3 We need help with transportation ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do you know an African American male bus driver who is available this summer? Please email me.
#4 We need camperships ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We need camperships.

The cost for camp is $130 per week. Will you sponsor one week (or more, of course) for a child whose family can’t pay?

Please make checks payable to Kids First, 10736 Jefferson Blvd. #404 Culver City, CA 90230. Please put Boyz 2 Men in the memo section.

Contact Information~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~phone: 310-497-1640

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Miriam’s House is a 15 Bedroom, sober living transitional living home for women and children. It is a supported by the Promises Foundation. The 1- year program is designed to provide women and their children with a nurturing and safe environment to grow. Growth takes sunlight and Daybreak Counseling Service has contracted with Miriam’s house to provide comprehensive anger management education.

Daybreak Counseling Service provides bi-weekly anger management classes at Miriam’s house for its residents.

Anger management courses are beneficial in healing the wounds of abuse as well as interrupting the cycle of family and community violence.

Daybreak Counseling Service
www.daybreakservices.com
www.linkedin.com/in/angryinla
http://myspace.com/angermanagementeacher
310-995-1202

kimschronicles.blogspot.com

Ever get confused on what is assertive behavior and what is aggressive behavior? A lot of people do. So what is the difference?

Aggressive people are pushy and loud. People describe them as bossy, intimidating, abusive or dominating. They like to get their way and get angry if they don’t. They give in to their knee jerk reactions. They violate other people’s rights and they like to get even. They attack people instead of problems. They can be egotistical, hostile and demanding. They often take advantage of others because they can. Their goal is often to control, humiliate, degrade, dominate and overpower. They send the message “What I think counts. You are stupid of you think differently.” These aren’t nice people to be around. Others say they have “anger” issues. Another word for them is BULLY.

Assertive people are my favorite kind of folks. They express their feelings directly but with respect for others. They not only respect others…they respect themselves. They listen and learn. They are usually self-confident (at least in the matter in which they are asserting themselves). They allow others to disagree without getting worked up about it. They send the message “I respect you and I will help you within my healthy boundaries.” They are honest and upfront. You usually don’t have to guess at where they stand. Their goal is to listen and be heard. They have healthy boundaries and then enforce them with firm limits, although they do so with respect for the other person. They don’t enjoy conflict, but they will confront. They usually have healthy relationships. They can be outspoken or quiet.

Passive people are another group. They avoid problems and confrontations. They allow themselves to be manipulated. They give up their rights and often feel inadequate. They rarely make choices such as…where to go for dinner or what movie to see. They don’t express their thoughts in front of groups. They have trouble saying “no”, and then become angry or resentful because they feel taken advantage of. They feel unappreciated. They won’t stand up for their rights or the rights of others. They usually talk softly. They are background dwellers hoping to avoid a lot of attention. Others see them as meek, mild-mannered and accommodating. Their goal is to keep others happy and avoid conflict at any cost. Others describe them as very easy to get along with. Ever get a limp hand shake? It’s a passive person on the other end of that line.

These behavioral styles have been on my mind a lot lately. Each of us has some of the elements from each of those categories at some point in our lives…however, we tend to be characterized by one more than the others. I’m assertive. I like assertive people. I don’t enjoy aggressive people, but I can usually handle them. Sometimes the best way to handle an aggressive person is with passive behavior. I know…it can be confusing.

Sometimes…passive people do not like those who are assertive. It makes sense when you think about it. If you are extremely passive, an assertive person can seem threatening because assertive people face conflict. Since passive people want to avoid conflict, they can get fairly twitchy around the assertive people. Aggressive people eat them for lunch.

Aggressive people don’t get along well with anyone. They despise passive people because they can walk all over them and they can’t respect that. They want to fight with assertive people because here is finally someone who will stand up to them but won’t try to overpower them.

Marriages are often a match of one style with the other. Get two aggressive people together and the world calls that “passion”. They fight like pit bulls and make up with fireworks. Drama!

Two assertive people will spark off each other, but things don’t usually get out of hand and everyone feels listened to and understood.

Two passive people…..well, I don’t know what they do. Congeal I guess. I can’t even imagine that scenario. They probably apologize to each other with every breath.

Now remember…I’m not saying that passive people are always passive or assertive people are always assertive, etc. We can slip through each of these categories on any given day, depending on the circumstance and our mood. Some men would say women get aggressive for about a week every month. Some women probably do.

I want to be honest here. I’m having a lot of trouble lately dealing with predominantly passive people. I have a hard time respecting them. I sometimes see them as weak and cowardly. I’m not proud of that. I’m not talking about quiet strength here. I’m talking about people who run from conflict or who cannot face a difficult situation responsibly. They slink off somewhere and hope the problem goes away. I’m really asking God to give me grace and compassion for these types of people. They make me want to be aggressive! Sometimes I want to throttle them! Make no mistake…violence is ALWAYS aggressive. I guess I just don’t understand them. They frustrate me. Passive people are usually well-liked. Who wouldn’t want to hang out with someone who never makes a fuss over where you eat or what you do? They are tripping over themselves to make you happy. But I think they get boring fast. I enjoy being around people who can banter (in a healthy way) back and forth. I want to talk with people who will express their opinions. I want to work with people who will say…”Hey, that hurt my feelings” instead of pouting silently and building resentment. I don’t want to be around someone who walks on eggshells around me.

The thing about people though….they come in all flavors. We don’t often get to choose who we work with, worship with or minister with. Dang it! Even Jesus showed each of these behavioral traits at some point in his life, although I think we will all agree that he was characteristically assertive. Taking a whip to the temple retailers would be….ummm…let me see….aggressive? I believe it would.

Assertiveness must be a desirable trait because there are lots of anger management therapies for the aggressive AND assertiveness training for the passive. When I’m aggressive, it usually comes out in ugly sarcasm. I haven’t hit anyone in a long time. Ruthie S. wanted to whip my butt in high school. After months of torture, I shoved her down in a classroom. At least I didn’t hit her…although, I was going to if she got back up swinging. She finally stopped threatening me (she was suspended), but I still remember feeling weak and sick the whole day knowing I was going to do it the next time she opened her mouth. We were both called in to the principal. I was patted on the head and sent back to class. Ruthie was sent home. Hey! Life isn’t fair. But Ruthie was characterized as aggressive…and I wasn’t. It was my “get out of jail free” card. I have to admit though. I got a high every time I walked down the hall at school and the football players would hum the theme from Rocky. Guys like an assertive woman!

I also remember being afraid to stand up for myself with people who sexually, physically or emotionally abused me. I hated myself for being passive. When I finally got the nerve to draw a firm boundary line, I often used aggression rather than assertiveness. I defended myself with verbal abuse. I over-compensated. I’ve done this with minor offenses too. I have been known to “show my rear end” (as they say in Appalachia), when I’m tired or irritable. I shouldn’t tell this…but oh well. I lived in Nashville fresh out of college. I had just gone through the drive thru at Taco Bell. I had food on the seat next to me and a big coke seated in the console. Some guy didn’t like the way I was driving so when I stopped at a red light…he hit me hard enough to throw my food and coke all over the place, but not hard enough to damage my car. People! I was pissed. Before I even thought about the consequences, I threw my car in reverse and punched the gas pedal. I hit him hard enough to do damage to both of our cars but I didn’t care. Well…of course a redneck can’t be bested so he literally follows me trying to run me off the road. I’m lucky he didn’t have a gun…or maybe he is lucky I didn’t have one. I was an idiot! (But I still smile when I think of it…what does that say about me?) It occurs to me as I write this story that it isn’t clear which of us is the redneck.

Once again…I guess it all comes down to balance. God, please help me love the passive people in this world. Even when that passive person is me.

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Anger is a wall. It protects us from painful memories. It is a defense against emotional attacks. Anger shields us from the blows of depression and hides us from the sting of betrayal. Anger is an effective perimeter and keeps us safe from the poisoned arrows of life. Anger also keeps us isolated. Love can not penetrate it. Anger is cold and keeps warmth at bay. When too dense anger fences us off from the joy life can bring.

Shannon Munford

Daybreak Counseling Service
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