Resentment is an extremely bitter diet, and eventually poisonous. I have no desire to make my own toxins.
~Neil Kinnock

To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee.
~William H. Walton

In my experience, I have come to believe that physical and emotional pains are the most common precursors to anger and aggression. Pain has a way of adhering itself to our conscious like no other emotion. Have you ever noticed how clearly you can remember the pain of broken relationship or the strike of flame burning against the skin? We often forget the joys of life. We forget our accomplishments and victories, but failures and disappointments cling to our thoughts like a vice. We often carry hurt and suffering from our childhood into adulthood and as we grow older, it bitters our hearts and sometimes our minds.

(We will discuss how anger can affect your mental health in the chapter entitled Anger and the Asylum).

As mentioned before, our pain can become so unbearable that we slowly begin to mask it with irritability, aggression and then rage.

We can all empathize with a loved one who is suffering from a cold, flu or some serious malady. We expect them to be irritable, because they need a little extra tender loving care. Fortunately, the duration of physical pain is limited. Even in the extreme case of torture, victims have expressed the assurance and hope that, “this to shall pass.” It is our emotional wounds that seem to persist.

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As a business owner it is always temtping to protray yourself and your business as successful. You often feel that if clients know you are not perfect they will run to your competitors. I would rather my clients know that I’m honest and they can trust me to tell them the truth.

Don’t get me wrong we are holding our own but if anyone tries to sale you on a product, service or business opportunity that is easy, fullproof, and works itself run the other way. Buisness takes work and while you are working you will make mistakes.

I invested several thousand dollars in radio marketing about 4-weeks ago and so far my return is about $100. The radio ad should run for another 2- weeks.

You live and learn. I’ve learned and I am learning its not about the poor decisions you make in life. The important thing is to keep making decisions. If you keep dreaming, keep moving you will keep growing.

Want to know more about marketing? Maybe an online business degree can help!  Getting your online bachelor degree is easy and you can even complete your degree coursework from the comfort of your home. Many universities offer online classes, so register for your online college degree today!

“Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but jealousy sees the sharpest for it is love and hate at the same time.” –Arab Proverb

The two women…both in their early 20’s struggled on the concrete walkway outside a South Central Los Angeles apartment building. Resident’s necks stretched outside their windows searching for the screams and expletives. It is still uncertain where the knife came from. The two women scratched and kicked. Shante claims she blacked out and then found herself holding a bloody knife, staring down at the woman who broke up her home. Later, she would discover that she had stabbed her husband’s mistress seven times. Confused by betrayal, fear and rage, Shante took off running in a psychotic sprint, leaving her one- year-old son and cheating husband behind.

Six months later, Shante was stopped by the police for failing to yield at a stop sign. After the officer discovered a warrant in her name, she was promptly placed under arrest. Due to a rare occurrence of grace and favor from the criminal justice system, Shante was released from jail after two weeks. She was placed on probation and ordered to attend a twenty-four hour of anger management course.

I don’t approve of this type of the violent and jealous act committed by Shante. But after hearing her life story I could understand how and why she did it. Maybe her Superior Court judge experienced the same empathetic moment I did.

Shante’s grandmother raised her. At five- years- old she was abandoned mother, a young drug addict and prostitute. At twelve, a family member sexually abused Shante. At sixteen, her grandmother died. She was forced to move away from her childhood friends, change schools and live with a distant aunt. Shante’s aunt had five children of her own and was now housing Shante and her two younger siblings. Being of babysitting age Shante, quickly became the secondary caregiver for seven children. In sixteen years, she had already experienced more abuse and abandonment than most would experience in their entire lifetime. She was depressed and loosing a grip on her sanity. That is when she met James. He was twenty-years-old and quickly became her best friend and confidant, her father and teacher, her lover and first love, her savior. Within a six-months, they were living together and three years later they were married and expecting a child.

For a year or two she clung to James, even knowing he was cheating on her. She vowed to hold on to her family with her life. She told herself as long as I don’t have to see or hear about these other women I will be ok. But when her husband’s mistress boldly knocked on the door for an evening rendezvous something inside her snapped.

It is important for you to recognize that jealousy is more about your insecurities than the infidelity of your mate. The jealous person may act out a very wide range of responses: clinging dependency, violent rage at the competitor or the partner, self-criticism, depression with suicidal thoughts, hurt and resentment of the partner’s lack of devotion and resistance, social embarrassment, revenge, loneliness, and regrets.

Needless to say, the best protection against jealousy is a good relationship. In addition to having a good relationship, make sure your self-esteem is intact before a pending break up. Understand that you are a worthy individual, in or out of a relationship. Tell yourself, “I am a valuable, lovable person regardless of whether you love me or not. It hurts, but I can handle it. I will get on with my life.” Sometimes the best way to get over a broken heart is to begin carefully looking for a better relationship. You may also need some time alone.

Some simple techniques to deal with the pain of a broken relationship may include: staying active. You may want to try hiking, swimming or going to the gym. Distract yourself with friends, activities and hobbies. There are several groups that cater to singles. These groups vary from crocheting to deep sea diving. You may also want to commit yourself to work. You can use the extra time to build your business or work on a promotion. If you do nothing else take some time for self-evaluation and improvement. Working on you is the best investment you can ever make.

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Seth Godin is a bestselling author, entrepreneur and agent of change. Seth was founder and CEO of Yoyodyne, the industry’s leading interactive direct marketing company, which Yahoo! acquired in late 1998.

This is a great reader for business owners.

Every business encounters angry people. Not disappointed or confused, but actually angry. Here are a few steps you might want to try:

Acknowledge the anger. You don’t have to agree with it, but in order to have a chance at making it go away, you need to empathize with the person’s anger. You cannot sell something (even a solution) nor can you negotiate with an angry person.
Talk more quietly and more slowly than the person you’re talking with. Not an exaggerated mantra, but just enough that you will be de-escalating, not escalating.
Ask the person what it will take to help them not be angry. Repeat what they’re asking for, in your own words.
Ask them if that will not only solve their problem, but give your organization a chance to delight them.
If no, then ask again what it will take. (But only once. You’ll settle for a benign grudge if you can get one.)
[It’s important to note that so far I haven’t asked you to give them anything or to actually agree with their point of view. Just to understand it and recognize it. You cannot negotiate with an angry person. Doesn’t work.]

Now, summarize. Human to human, not as a manipulator or someone following a list of steps read on a blog. “Sue, I’m really sorry you’re upset. I can imagine that having one of our room service people walk into your room at 11 pm, uninvited, and wake you up before a big conference could cost you a lot of sleep and really ruin your visit with us. It sounds like you’re hoping for an apology from our manager and a waiver of our internet fee as a way of showing you we really blew it. Would that help?”
Bingo. You’ve changed the dynamic. You’ve made it clear which side of the discussion you’re on. You haven’t set any expectations, but you’ve built a connection.

At this point, you have two options. You can describe what you CAN do, right now, in an attempt to make it up to the person. Or you can ask for time and promise to get back to the person after you’ve checked in with the higher-ups.

It’s entirely possible that the steps above won’t work. It’s entirely possible that Sue is so angry she’ll never ever return to your hotel again. That’s okay. You did what you can… but more important, you didn’t waste a lot of time and emotion and energy trying to solve a problem that’s not solvable.

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Every generation establishes it’s own standard of beauty. Women throughout history have been made immortal through printed word, paintings, sculptures, photography and film. The Mona Lisa, Venus De Milo, May West, Elizabeth Taylor, Cindy Crawford, and my favorite Halle Berry, are worshipped for their features and form. Men clamor to be in their presence. These women have been envied by men and praised by their peers. Helen of Troy was one of such women. She is described as perhaps the most inspired character in all Greek literature. They called her Helen, “the face that launched a thousand ships.” Every red-blooded male in Greece who had heard of the gorgeous Helen, dreamed of possessing her. A whole war, one that lasted for ten years, was fought over her. Kings risked their kingdoms to have her. Those who could not have her became fueled with jealousy. All the while she gloried in it all.

According to Wikapedia The free encyclopedia, Marilyn Monroe, another famed beauty in history allegedly had affairs with: Joe Dimagio President John F. Kennedy, Henry Fonda, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Peter Lawford, Marlon Brando, Howard Keel, Jerry Lewis, Clark Gable, Howard Hughes, Yves Montand, Milton Berle and Elia Kazan. It has also been alleged she had a one-night stand with Joan Crawford.

Monroe was found dead by her live in house keeper, Mrs. Eunice Marray in the bedroom of her Brentwood, California home on August 5, 1962. Monroe was thirty-six years old. Her death was apparently caused by an overdose of barbiturates, although as with the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, several theories have sprung up.

Crimes of passion flood our popular media today, from movies like Fatal Attraction to the real life court sagas of the O.J. Simpson trial.

In the past, it was the image of the restrictive and abusive husband that came to mind when speaking of jealousy and relationships, but the tables are turning. This green-eyed monster called jealousy has devoured many women as well. Shante’s Story, my next post is proof of that fact.

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A couple of weeks ago my wife, my eldest son and I celebrated the end of summer at Adventure City in Anaheim. It wasn’t the most thrilling amusement park I’ve ever been to but my 4 year old son had a good time.

The week after Cameron started kindegarten. He is a far more outgoing and well adjusted kid than I was at his age. I guess he gets it from his mother.

My Demi is interviewing for employment right now. She has been off work for almost a year and six months. She left her job a month before we found out she was pregant and now Tyus is almost five months old. She took about 2 years off when my first son was born. The time off forced us to make some financial sacrafices but we saw it as a long term investment in our children.

and my mother in law is retiring just in time to babysit her new grandson.

The more things change…the more things stay the same. Their are some seasons in my life that come and go like the wind and others that linger around like and unwelcome storm.

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Entertainment Weekly reviews the hollywood stars who could benefit from a anger management course.
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Those who the Gods would destroy,first they would make angry-
Greek Proverb

Anger is a secondary emotion. This means there is usually an underlying emotion that precedes it. Frustration, jealousy, insecurity and most often pain are emotions that use anger as a cloak. To escape detection, these emotions hide like roaches behind a wall of anger. Do not be deceived into thinking that the only emotion you need to address is your anger. Often anger is just a symptom of greater emotional distress. If these emotions are not addressed they begin to eat away at your insides. Many of these emotions are just too painful to experience. In an effort to block the pain many people build a wall of anger around them. If anyone gets close to activating sensitive and tender emotions, the angry individual can put on an impressive shield of rage and aggression. Often this shield pushes people away and the angry person’s suspicions are confirmed: “People can’t be trusted.” and “No one loves me.” They begin to use their anger in an effort to keep people at a distance, to avoid getting hurt. In forth coming posts, we will examine a few of these painful emotions and how they may initiate an angry and defensive attitude in you.

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There are some stressors in life that we just have to accept. No matter how gifted, determined and resourceful you are, one day you will come in contact with an event you have little or no control over. Death, sickness, the weather and natural disasters are events beyond our control. In fact, attempts to control the uncontrollable can lead to frustration and even more stress.

Understand that stressful situations will arise. Try to accept the fact that things don’t always work the way we expect them to. This is the reality of life. When a situation cannot be controlled or influenced, your best response may be to brace yourself and ride through the storm.

The following are excerpts from tragic stories told by survivors of war and natural disasters. They speak of the power of the human spirit in the face of life threatening stressors and true adversity.

Dec 6th 2004- Tsunami triggered in Indian Ocean
A six-year-old Taiwanese girl, who survived the killer tsunami while holidaying in Thailand, has arrived home on Thursday. The little girl and her mother had been on the beach when massive waves swept them off their feet. Chia-ni was flung onto a coconut tree and clung on to it for more than 20 hours before she was rescued. Chia-ni managed to recount her ordeal to reporters. “I remembered I felt like vomiting,” she said. Reporter asked: “Right after the tsunami hit?” “But I couldn’t. The waves were too big,” she said. Miraculously, she suffered only several bruises on her hands and legs and a cut on her forehead. Chia-ni said: “It still hurts.” Two others, including Chia-ni’s mother, are still missing.

Aug 29th 2005-Aftermath of Hurricane Katrina
A 2-year-old girl slept in a pool of urine. Crack vials littered a restroom. Blood stained the walls next to vending machines smashed by teenagers. ‘We pee on the floor. We are like animals,’ said Taffany Smith, 25, as she cradled her 3-week-old son, Terry. … By Wednesday, it had degenerated into horror. … At least two people, including a child, have been raped. At least three people have died, including one man who jumped 50 feet to his death, saying he had nothing left to live for. There is no sanitation. The stench is overwhelming.

June 19th 2004-War in Iraq
I was injured on the 19th of June, 2004. I was on a routine patrol mission, a mounted unit. We were in a Hummvie and I was in the first vehicle in the convoy and we came around the corner and got ambushed. Small arms fire and RPG’s came through the front of the vehicle and took off my arm at the shoulder. The arm didn’t initially come off completely. But it was very damaged and ended up getting infected. The arm was literally infecting the rest of my body and slowly killing me. So the choice was fairly easy for my parents when they had to make it. They had to take the arm to save my life. I don’t know if you ever really get over it. It is something that is going to be with me the rest of my life. I definitely think I’ve moved on but it takes a lot of time. It’s a life adjustment. I think that people are more aware of the fact that women are in combat because they see the results of it. And they are seeing the casualties.

Every one of these individuals had to find a way to cope with destructive trauma. Unlike a natural disaster or war there are numerous stressors in life that you have the power to change. In many instances you have choices. You have a choice to limit your contact with people who cause you stress. These people may include family, friends or even your mate. You also have the choice to quit a stressful job that causes other areas of your life to suffer? Only you can rate the importance of a relationship or an occupation that negatively affects your physical and mental health.

If you find yourself in the middle of a crisis in your, life there are several things you can do to minimize the effects of stress on your body and mind:

Get regular exercise, a physically fit body is better able to withstand the effects of stress.

Get in touch with your spiritual side; Prayer, meditation and religious activities have a calming effect on many people.

The best way to help those around you is to make sure you are in a position to help. Make a point to always set aside some “you” time. Do things you enjoy doing such as going to the beach, reading a book, drawing a hot bath, or enjoy good music. You are “no good” to your family, your employer or anyone else when you are stressed out.

I had the opportunity to speak at my Aunt and Uncle’s 40th Wedding Anniversary Party. They have both been superior examples to me. Just follow this link to view pics.

I also pasted the speech that I wrote.

When I thought about the marriage of Jackie and George, the first thing that came to my mind was its durability and strength. I tried to come up with something a little more glamorous, a little more passionate, but I kept hearing words like stability and dependable. When I thought about it, I realized you can find passion anywhere at anytime: a BET video or a Paris Hilton commercial. But in world in which everything seems to be falling apart, durability and strength becomes a high commodity.

As a carpenter, George can correct me if I’m wrong, but durability is the ability to withstand high levels of weight or stress for extended periods of time.

With very little visible strain, Jackie and George have carried a good amount of weight for a long time. In a way, they carry the weight of our whole family.

Everyone knows that we are a family who loves to get together. Years ago, after my grandfather passed, there was a period in which the Sunday dinners and monthly birthdays ceased. The era of tamale pie, burrito pie, salmon crockets, beef stew, tomato glazed meatloaf and two layered homemade cake with butter cream frosting had ended.

I don’t know how it started, but all of a sudden the family gatherings came back. A new house, different food — but the same feeling. George did not eat peanuts while watching the baseball game, but it was almost as George took on that same spirit of my grandfather, a quiet strength.

How many people know it takes some strength to host 15-30 hungry people two or more times month? I can imagine George sometime thinks, “when are all the Negros gonna get out of my house.”

It takes some strength to open your home to three nieces and their children, after you thought you had emptied the nest.

And when you think they had enough sense to plan a vacation to get away from it all, they plan trips to Hawaii, Jamaica, New York and Cancun and then pay for you to tag along.

It takes strength to raise three children born in Compton who are now UCLA/USC grads. I drove by that house in Compton today … it’s still there because George builds things to last.

(P.S. They now live in Ladera Heights)

George and Jackie, you have been an example of perseverance and consistency. You have provided a refuge for me and my family in time of financial and emotional poverty. Thank you for being strong when we were not.

Happy Anniversary!

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