Anger-Don’t hold on to it.

Many years ago I was the facilitator for a group on Codependence.
By definition members of the group were uncomfortable about expressing their true feelings. Because codependents often put other people’s feelings above their own, they don’t speak up for themselves. The reasons for this are many, including fear of confrontation, low self -esteem, or wanting to always appear “nice” (even to their own detriment).

During one group the members were asked to talk about “anger.” Did they know what it was, know how to deal with it, and what the consequences are of not dealing with it? There was a lively discussion during which members learned that if we don’t recognize and express our anger, it does not just go away. It stays inside us and can create serious emotional and physical problems as well as the buildup of “resentments”. Our system becomes toxic, but we are usually unaware of it.

One of the group members gave a very good example of the results of holding anger in. She was a very sweet woman who said she didn’t identify with “anger”. She was the wife of a man who had been an alcoholic for 30 years and said that she just “learned to accept it” (not a true or honest statement). She had built up a rage of which she was unaware. She was, however, very depressed and addled with extremely low self-esteem.

One week she came to group and told the members that while she rarely gets angry, she found out that her 20-year-old was using heroin. She became so enraged that she beat him with a tire iron.

This is a stunning example of what years of not acknowledging or expressing anger can do. In fact, she had been angry for years and years but had chosen not to deal with it. She, herself, was astonished at what she did to her son. Fortunately she was willing to seek counseling to finally deal with her lifetime denial of her anger and what harm it had caused her.

This is a cautionary tale. Hopefully others will make an effort to recognize their true feelings of anger before they experience such explosive
consequences. Anger management classes offers skills and techniques that encourage the healthy expression of anger.

By Susan Levy

Daybreak Counseling Service
www.daybreakservices.com
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