Anger Management and your Emotions: Jealousy Part 2-Shante’s Story
“Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but jealousy sees the sharpest for it is love and hate at the same time.” –Arab Proverb
The two women…both in their early 20’s struggled on the concrete walkway outside a South Central Los Angeles apartment building. Resident’s necks stretched outside their windows searching for the screams and expletives. It is still uncertain where the knife came from. The two women scratched and kicked. Shante claims she blacked out and then found herself holding a bloody knife, staring down at the woman who broke up her home. Later, she would discover that she had stabbed her husband’s mistress seven times. Confused by betrayal, fear and rage, Shante took off running in a psychotic sprint, leaving her one- year-old son and cheating husband behind.
Six months later, Shante was stopped by the police for failing to yield at a stop sign. After the officer discovered a warrant in her name, she was promptly placed under arrest. Due to a rare occurrence of grace and favor from the criminal justice system, Shante was released from jail after two weeks. She was placed on probation and ordered to attend a twenty-four hour of anger management course.
I don’t approve of this type of the violent and jealous act committed by Shante. But after hearing her life story I could understand how and why she did it. Maybe her Superior Court judge experienced the same empathetic moment I did.
Shante’s grandmother raised her. At five- years- old she was abandoned mother, a young drug addict and prostitute. At twelve, a family member sexually abused Shante. At sixteen, her grandmother died. She was forced to move away from her childhood friends, change schools and live with a distant aunt. Shante’s aunt had five children of her own and was now housing Shante and her two younger siblings. Being of babysitting age Shante, quickly became the secondary caregiver for seven children. In sixteen years, she had already experienced more abuse and abandonment than most would experience in their entire lifetime. She was depressed and loosing a grip on her sanity. That is when she met James. He was twenty-years-old and quickly became her best friend and confidant, her father and teacher, her lover and first love, her savior. Within a six-months, they were living together and three years later they were married and expecting a child.
For a year or two she clung to James, even knowing he was cheating on her. She vowed to hold on to her family with her life. She told herself as long as I don’t have to see or hear about these other women I will be ok. But when her husband’s mistress boldly knocked on the door for an evening rendezvous something inside her snapped.
It is important for you to recognize that jealousy is more about your insecurities than the infidelity of your mate. The jealous person may act out a very wide range of responses: clinging dependency, violent rage at the competitor or the partner, self-criticism, depression with suicidal thoughts, hurt and resentment of the partner’s lack of devotion and resistance, social embarrassment, revenge, loneliness, and regrets.
Needless to say, the best protection against jealousy is a good relationship. In addition to having a good relationship, make sure your self-esteem is intact before a pending break up. Understand that you are a worthy individual, in or out of a relationship. Tell yourself, “I am a valuable, lovable person regardless of whether you love me or not. It hurts, but I can handle it. I will get on with my life.” Sometimes the best way to get over a broken heart is to begin carefully looking for a better relationship. You may also need some time alone.
Some simple techniques to deal with the pain of a broken relationship may include: staying active. You may want to try hiking, swimming or going to the gym. Distract yourself with friends, activities and hobbies. There are several groups that cater to singles. These groups vary from crocheting to deep sea diving. You may also want to commit yourself to work. You can use the extra time to build your business or work on a promotion. If you do nothing else take some time for self-evaluation and improvement. Working on you is the best investment you can ever make.
